Abused, Abandoned and Failing at Marriage

My problem is this: When I was seven I was raped by my biological mother’s boyfriend. When I told her what had happened she chose to believe him over me and sent me and my brother to live with our biological grandmother. She never had anything else to do with us. I have not seen her since I was seven. Ever since then, I have a hard time dealing with my emotions.

My most common response to being hurt is to shut down, lock myself in a small place inside my head and reassess myself for damage. Then I wait until the person that hurt me does it again, but I never come back out of my shell with that person. All I do is go deeper in. I stay in there because then I don’t get hurt.

I’ve been married twice and have two children. They are one year old and seven. Both have different fathers. My current husband and I have been married 2 years now. My husband used to drink heavily, and he would come home and he would hurt me in a variety of ways. Sometimes he would hit me. Sometimes he would hold a knife to my throat. Once he held a gun to my head. The last time he did anything like that he was taking a new medication prescribed by a doctor called Seroquel. He took too much of it one night(about 20 pills) and started acting erratic and refused to go to the hospital, so I took my oldest daughter, the other one wasn’t born at the time, somewhere safe and came back to help him. When I found him he started a physical confrontation with me and put me in a choke hold, almost strangling me to death. I literally felt myself slipping away.

Since then my husband has quit drinking and stopped taking that medication. He also stopped seeing that doctor. He doesn’t hurt me physically anymore and wants things to be like they were in the beginning. He tries very hard to be supportive, but is becoming increasingly impatient with my lack of progress. He and I still fight constantly. We are unable to compromise. We recently separated because we just cannot live in the same home anymore.

Recently, he and I have been fighting a great deal because I get mad about little things that he says. He wants to help me but I keep pushing him away. I’m afraid to let him get to close. I’m afraid to show him anything real. I keep waiting for him to change back. I feel like part of me wants this so that I have the chance to fight back and release some of this anger toward him, because I cannot discuss this part of our relationship with him as it hurts him. I want to be happy with him like we were in the beginning, but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to let go of the hurt I feel towards him. Pleas help me.

- Alicia

Dear Alicia,

Thanks for sharing your situation with me. I think that it’s great that your current husband has cleaned up his act and is trying to be a good husband and lover to you, however, it seems like the issue isn’t him, but you and I think you know this based on what you’ve written.

The things that you have been through as a child; the rape and the abandonment have no doubt left you with deep psychological scars. I can promise you that you will never be happy with anyone or in any relationship until you first address these wounds in your life. Time doesn’t heal wounds like these and healing will only come from doing some deep soul work.

I really can’t begin to even work through that process in the format of this website so I advise you to find a counselor that can help you with this. This will be a process that will involve a lot of talking, exploring the past, undoing irrational believes you have about yourself and learning to love yourself. You won’t find this sort of help online and it will only come about through a therapeutic relationship.  I think that it’s great that you recognize that things need to change and that you even recognize that your past is playing a part in your difficulties. This is a big step as some people aren’t even that self aware.

By dealing with this in the correct way, I think you’ll end up having a stronger marriage, you’ll be a better parent, and you’re kids will grow up more well adjusted. Right now it sounds like your home is quite chaotic and children never thrive in unstable and chaotic environments. Do what’s best for you and your family by seeing a certified counselor in order to get the help you need. When you are able to get your own thinking sorted out, then I think your marriage will sort itself out as you learn to view situations correctly and communicate your feelings more effectively.

Kind regards,

Ted