Hi! I had been married for almost 22 years when my husband filed for legal separation. He did this because I had a brief relapse in my opiate addiction and he said he did not want to be married to a ‘junkie’ anymore.

Brief history of our drug abuse: I met this man in my home state. I was unaware that he’d been using drugs,maybe because I had never used. We hung out together for about 10 days, then he had to return to his home state. Long story, I sold my car, quit college, and moved away to be with him. He was my first serious relationship, and I had very low self esteem. Add the fact that I could never stand to be away from home, we’d only known one another for a total of 4 weeks, and I found out very soon that he used drugs every weekend.

Naturally I tried some and I liked it. So we partied all weekend and spent the weekdays working and recovering from the weekends. We argued SO much and it never dawned on me that this was NOT the way it was supposed to be, so I stuck it out, got married, and continued using. I had NO idea how truly miserable I was because I just self-medicated to cover up my true feelings. Eventually I got pregnant, IMMEDIATELY quit using, and had a beautiful baby boy.

Unfortunately, ‘John’ never stopped his weekend partying, and this caused even more arguing. I really didn’t care though, as I was consumed with my baby; I loved EVERY minute of being a mom. After a while, I started dabbling back into using, went back to work and took some college classes. Eventually I got tired of the drug and quit. I registered at the Univ. and went full time while working part time at night. My last year I got pregnant, (we were trying), and one month after graduating Cum Laude, I had my second son.

I had no desire to use drugs ever again, until my doctor prescribed me pain pills for my foot. I had taken this medicine after giving birth both times, after having my wisdom teeth pulled, and during 2 painful bouts with Shingles. Never during any of those times did I become dependent on them; maybe because I’d had a small child and a baby who occupied every moment of my life, and I LOVED it! Soon my youngest was in school and although I had a job I enjoyed, I was bored and unhappy in my marriage. When I got the prescription for my foot pain, I became addicted.

This turned into a need for stronger opiates which I was buying off the street. Six months after I started using those my husband noticed all the money missing from our bank accts. and I was crucified! He still drank beer all weekend and had started drinking during the week, but my problem was serious. I got on Methadone and had ZERO cravings for the pills. After 7 months on that my husband decided he was tired of paying for it and I quit. I was OK for a while, until I found out one of my parents was extremely sick, they died, and I had not been able to say ‘good-bye’, (due to distance), I relapsed. My husband found out while I was out of town for the funeral he and his family filed a restraining order as well as separation. I returned home to be served, first w/ the rest. order, then the separation. I was mortified, scared, sadder than I can express with words, and angry at the same time.

While out of town, (before I knew what my husband was planning), I decided I had a serious problem and when I returned home I checked into an incredible outpatient rehab. I told no one and when my husband said he would postpone the legal stuff if I got myself into a program, I told him I was already in one. Assuming he meant what he said, I assumed there was no need for me to go to the hearing for the rest. order and he never said anything about it, so I didn’t go. 4 days later I found out he went back on his word and went to the hearing. I had NO idea; that day he went to work and came home (I thought) and nothing seemed unordinary. I was LIVID when I found out and confronted him.

He said “…what I meant was a residential rehab, 1 where you stay for 30 days.” I know for a fact he NEVER said that because I would NEVER leave my boys. Here we are, about 2 months after that ordeal and the verbal, psychological, and emotional abuse has become so unbearable that I moved into another bedroom, where I stay locked up whenever he’s home. I have been telling him for YEARS that we should never married because our entire relationship was built on drugs. He never accepted that, saying he knew I was the one for him and he knew that as soon as we’d met and spent time together during his vacation.

I’ve always known he was not right for me; I need someone with much more emotional intelligence, a man who is sensitive, mature, and who I connect with. After 25 years of living together my husband doesn’t even know when I’m crying,as I’m laying right next to him in bed! We are not compatible and while I’m afraid of being on my own, I also know I don’t want to spend another 30 years unhappy.

You see, he filed for separation knowing that I cannot afford an attorney, I can’t afford to move out and I don’t have ANY intention of leaving my youngest son with his drunk father. HE has no intention of moving out either. I am SO angry he filed these things and even though he’s a really bad husband for me and he has convinced me that I am not worth the space I take up on this planet, I have been BEGGING him to stop the separation and get the rest. order reversed and off my file, saying I realized what I’d be losing. I also told him that I want nothing more than to get marriage counseling and make things better than he could ever imagine.

In between his put-downs and telling me things like ‘everyone would be better off if I were dead’, he tells me he wants nothing more that to grow old and die with me. He says there is no one else out there that he would ever want and he loves me regardless of the financial damage I’ve done. YET, he has talked with everyone we know, family included, and told them things about me that were SO embellished, if they were true at all and he has made things up in his head and told people those things as well. The words he uses to describe some of my worst decisions are words I wouldn’t use to describe my worst enemy!

I am extremely confused. I truly feel that we need to physically separate and then try to work on things,but he’s not moving and I can’t afford to and I think he likes it this way. He also told me there is NO WAY he’d allow me to date when and if I do move out. I told him it’s either we forget about continuing with the separation OR if he’s going to go on with it at the same time he tells me he wants to grow old with me then call me a loser, I want a divorce. All or nothing, I told him. WHAT SHOULD I DO?! HELP!!

Thank You,

Tina

Dear Tina,

Thanks for sharing your story and it sounds like life certainly hasn’t been easy for you and especially as of late. First, I would like to commend you for doing everything you can to break the drug addiction that has plagued you for so many years.

You are in a tough situation and I’m afraid there are no easy answers as no matter which path you peruse with be paved with a lot of hard work.  Two broken people coming together in marriage can’t possibly produce anything but more brokenness if there isn’t active intervention done on both parts.

I think that your idea of marriage counseling could possibly be your best bet in your situation. I would also recommend that both you and your husband receive some individual counseling as well. Hopefully in your treatment they are exploring with you the personal issues that led to your addiction and the roots of your self-esteem issues that you mentioned. If not, this is extremely important because in all likelihood, if you do divorce, you will end up with a similar type of guy.

Your husband obviously has a lot of deep issues himself that he needs to address and perhaps he will realize how these issues have enabled your continued struggle with drug addiction. I think your husband does love you deep down, but all his brokenness gets in the way of that and he ends up causing you to feel the opposite.

If you two can get into some counseling, learn how to love each other,  respect each other, and forgive each other plus understand yourselves better, I do believe that you can have a better, healthier marriage. Also, I think that faith is an extremely important part of the equation. No person can heal the heart like God can, no one can restore broken relationships like He can either. He is especially fond of both you and your husband and he wants to breathe life back into your marriage and back into your broken lives. I advise you to find some faith based marital counseling as they will be able to explore and deal with the Spiritual issues as well as the emotional issues that has been plaguing your lives and marriage.

Sincerely,

Ted

Here is a video by Third Day that I think speaks to your situation.