Ask a Counselor: Emotional Abuse or Not?

I don’t even know where to start, but I have been with the same guy for just over 2 yrs now. It was all good at the beginning, but then he started to, what everyone says, “emotionally abuse” me. I did not recognize any signs of it til I got kicked out of the house we lived in together.

Now I don’t know what to believe or think or even what to do. He always put me down and blamed me for things ie. he cheated on me and got the girl knocked up and said it was my fault because if I would have given him what he wanted he wouldn’t have had to go find it other places. He says that the wedding he called off was  because I don’t know what I want and I’m too much to handle. If I disagree with him, he flips out on me yelling and screaming, telling me I’m wrong and calling me dumb and bunch of other names.

He has double standards for both him and I. He can go through my phone and not pick up my phone calls, but I have to answer all his phone calls and can’t go through any of his things. He says it’s because I hide things from him.

Now don’t get me wrong, he is a good guy too, he really is, he honestly loves me, and he doesn’t hit me and I do NOT believe that he ever will, I just don’t know if it’s abuse or just a guy on a control rampage and if it’s abuse what can I do about it?

Thanks,

Ashley

Dear Ashley,

Thanks for the question and I understand that it can be hard to negotiate relationships when love is involved. To answer your question any relationship that prohibits a person’s freedom by control or belittles, disrespects, uses guilt tactics, manipulates, and devalues is abusive. The relationship you have with your boyfriend certainly hits on a number of those.

I would guess that if you continue in this relationship, the level of emotional abuse will get worse. As for your statement that he is a good guy and honestly loves you, I would certainly question that. Good guys don’t cheat on their girlfriends and then blame them for it. True love doesn’t belittle, isn’t jealous,  and doesn’t disrespect. A great definition of true love is found in the Bible at 1 Corinthians 13:4. Read that passage and ask yourself if your boyfriend honestly loves you.

You are lucky in that you can walk away from this relationship easily since you aren’t married to the guy. My advice would be to get out and find a guy that will treat you as you deserve to be treated. You also may want to consider some counseling in order to figure out the reasons you chose a guy like this and would continue in an abusive relationship even after he cheated on you, got another girl pregnant, and then blamed you for it. Perhaps the problem lies with the lack of respect you have for yourself, since you would allow a man to treat you this way.

Relationships can be great and bring much joy to our lives, but don’t settle for anything than the best because you are worth it and your long term emotional health depends on it. I wish you all the best and feel free to ask anything else in the comments below.

Kind regards,

Ted