Ask a Counselor: My Boyfriend is Emotionally and Verbally Abusive

By | August 7, 2009

Hi! I’m sorry this is too long..I’ve been into a relationship for 5 years and to be honest I have never been happy.

Initially I was, but slowly my boyfriend started to verbally abuse me. I had to put up with it. Things got worse with time and he upsets me a lot by calling me horrible slang names like fat pig. He says I dress like a beggar or a old person, he abuses my dead father, abuses my mom (not to her but to me), He asks me to die as well.

No matter how much I try to suppress my anger and no matter how much I’ve been nice to him, in spite of this pain he is giving me, he says things like I ruined his life and he wishes I was never born. He calls me a villager and no matter what I say he starts harassing me and he even propositioned another girl when he was with meĀ  and he used to put her picture on his cellphone as a wallpaper screen saver and even took a print out of the pic and hung it next to his and it really hurt me. If I questioned him he used to abuse me with dirty words.

Soon after he admitted his mistake and apologized and I even forgave him, but recently he got back in touch with her and I happened to bump into them in a cafe. He introduced me to her and I was in so much pain I could not respond to her properly and soon after he called me and abused me for not talking to her properly. Right now he has dumped me. He says that no guy can ever be happy with a person like me and repeatedly says that I ruined his life and still abuses me.

I’m so depressed and feel so helpless and lonely at times. I just don’t know what to do and its too hard for me to see him with someone else and too hard for me to walk out with all unnecessary blames. He has even pushed me once towards the wall and once I did not respond to his calls as I was in a function, which unfortunately was near his place. Since I did not respond to his calls he came to the hall with my love letters and gifts all torn and broken. He threw it in my face in front of my relatives and friends.

When I asked him whether what he did was right, he says it was and blames me for all his anger, all his abuses, and even for our broken relationship. I’m in a lot of pain, please help me. I’ll be very very grateful to you if I get help from you. Please tell me what I should do to this person to make him realize his mistakes and how he has been treating me like a garbage dump. Please help me!!!!


Dear Akhila,

Thanks for writing and it sounds like you have had a rough 5 years with this guy. My advice to you is pretty simple for the most part.

Get as far away from this guy as possible. He is poison to your whole being and will never be the man you need him to be. Walk away and don’t ever look back. Do not waste another second of your life trying to reach out to him, or convince him he is wrong.

No one deserves to be treated the way you’ve been treated and there is never justification for this. This guy obviously has deep spiritual/emotional issues going on and he is using you to take out his frustrations on. Trust me when I say, he needs a lot of help, but you are not the one to help him.

As for you, you are a lovely child of God and and He is especially fond of you. God wants you to be loved and be whole to live a life in the context of loving relationships, don’t ever settle for less. I encourage you to examine yourself during this transition and perhaps some weekly counseling would do you good as, no doubt, this guy has damaged your spirit with all his abuse and behavior.

Think about the following;

  • What brokenness within you caused you to stay with this guy when he was verbally abusing you?
  • What has caused you to put up with being cheated on?
  • What has caused you to have such little regard for your value as a person to willingly stay with a guy who tells you he wants you dead?
  • Is there something in you that subconsciously chooses this type of guy?

Hopefully these are some of the questions you can get to the bottom of as you enter into counseling. This will be a tough road, but if you want the relationship you always dreamed of, these steps will have to be taken. Don’t let this destroy you, but with God’s help, this situation can make you a stronger, more self aware, and loving person. Don’t think of this as the end, but the beginning of a new life free from abuse and negativity.

If you have any other questions comment below and thanks again for writing.



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