Ask a Counselor: My New Husband is Emotionally and Verbally Abusive

By | October 9, 2009

My Husband and I have been married for only 2 1/2 weeks, but we have known each other for year or a little more than. I have two girls before him.

My husband has anger problems, extreme anger problems. He calls me out my name, calls me stupid, and many other things that I cannot even being to say with consideration to others. My husband is set off by anything, if I don’t answer my phone fast enough, if I don’t answer my texts fast enough, if I tell him I don’t like how he speaks to me, and if I don’t call him as soon as I wake up; if he has to call me he’s going to yell.

He belittles me by the awful things he say. like I said I can’t even repeat them all here. I’m not working right now I lost my job of seven years, when I met my husband I was not working and when we married I was not. He throws that up in my face all the time, he tells me if I don’t take his abuse I don’t really love him.

He downs me about God and says I’m a fake God lover and he say I am to blame for all he does and if I just shut and stay in a woman’s place we would be fine.

Because our marriage is so new we don’t have a place yet. I stay with my mother and he is over the road (he ride 18 wheelers) I’m afraid (I hate feeling that way) that he will hurt me in a worse way than with his mouth when we are in our own. I have two girls I don’t want them to be apart of that.

Yet I want to do the right thing. I am a great wife to my husband and I was a great girl friend, I always treated him with the utmost love. So I’m confused as to the way he treats me, but I see that this nature is before I even came around. Nothing I do is good enough for him, I do everything I can to show him love and respect and I still get abused by him no matter what. I can never do right and it’s my fault always. He tries to break my spirit but he knows he can’t because I’m to strong for it, so he keeps saying things to try to hurt me.

We went to counseling three days ago and he has been worse since. His uncle is the pastor and he is good but I still left there empty and hurt. the pastor did more talking about his own marriage than focusing on the big problem, but than again we only been there once.

He quotes the bible at me and tells me have have to stay and take it no matter how bad he speaks to me because it’s better or worse. He thinks God is fine with what he says to me and how he treats me and that I’m the one God is angry with. He feels he is right. Later he is so sorry and wants another chance. He doesn’t want me to leave him and I’m everything to him and as soon as I blink wrong he is at it again and everything is out the window and I’m evil and stupid.

I’m an strong Christian woman I know what he is doing is wrong, and that there is nothing I can do on my own to make it better. We just got approved for a place and he blames me if we don’t get because I want him to stop his abuse. I afraid that he will moves us in and get mad and not pay the rent or other bills.

When he get in his rage he will close his accounts so that I can’t get money for things my children and I need. He takes everything away because he is the only one working right now. And if wants to talk awful, very awful to me he can and if I don’t like it he will take his money away and our home away and take my car away.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m stressed, my hair is coming out, the only thing I can see that is good out of this is I pray heavy. I pray for him and us and he just gets worse and blames me over and over I can’t stand it. I asked him to go to counseling again and he got angry, I told him I had enough of what he is doing to me and he went crazy.

He calls me and belittles me for hours or texts me for hours until he feels he is ready to stop and and he will say disgusting things to me then he is sorry for it all and he will stop, but it’s only until the next time he feels like blowing up again.

I need help please I don’t know what to do here. I love God, my kids and my husband, but I love me too. I know this is wrong. My husband is in complete denial of his wrong doing until he’s sorry and that’s only to get back in good until the next time comes. Help me please.

-Trina

Dear Trina,

How do I say this in an easy way? Not sure so I’ll be perfectly honest… Run from this man and never look back.  This man has deep issues and it has nothing to do with you. His issues will suck you and your kids in and destroy you. If you can’t get away from him for yourself, at least do it for your precious children that will no doubt be scarred from his abusive behavior.

It angers me when people use God and the Bible to justify their wicked behavior. There is no excuse for what he has put you through. I would not advise moving in with him and I would see about getting your marriage annulled or dissolved as soon as possible. I would also advise a restraining order.

You can pray and pray, but God has given you the answer already. He has given you common sense to know that this is wrong, destructive, and damaging to you and your children. He is not angry at you even though you made a bad decision marrying this guy, but he does care about your safety and your well being.

Hopefully your husband will get the healing he needs, but apart from the abusive relationship you are in. You can’t love him enough to change him, Only God and solid personal counseling will.

I would also like you to consider what broken part of yourself allowed this abuse and caused you to marry someone like this. This may take some counseling to get to the bottom of or you may find yourself making the same mistakes with a different partner.

I wish you all the best and God will be with you in your journey. I encourage you to do whats best for you and your children’s well being.

Sincerely,

Ted

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2 thoughts on “Ask a Counselor: My New Husband is Emotionally and Verbally Abusive

  1. Fradiabla

    Get out of the marriage quickly. No matter how it hurts straight off, you will regain your peace, joy, and self-respect, and have the potential to later find someone who returns it to you. You cannot FIX your husband. You can only make a choice not to take it anymore!

  2. Char

    I too am newly married, just 5 months. My husband is not the person I had briefly dated before. I am trying so hard. He is extremely verbally and emotionally abusive. I wonder how I could have made such a bad decision to get married. I truly believed in him… and God has been in our life too. We go to church together, but it doesn’t change his abusive behavior. I feel sad because I made a vow to him and God. Everyone else tells me to RUN from my husband and stay away. I just feel so guilty, and disappointed that it isn’t what I had hoped. Good luck to you and God be with you. Please know that you are not alone.

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