Ask a Counselor: My Wife is Severly Depressed

I have been with my wife for 9 years, been married for 3. She has always been an on and off sufferer from depression. I got with her when she was nearly 15 and I had just turned 18. We moved in together just 2 years later and had a really healthy, very close relationship.

She had controlled most of my life since the start of the relationship, but we were always still very much in love and respected one another. However, in October 2009 she was diagnosed with severe depression. She had a light mental breakdown. Since then she has lost her job as she was bullied out in February.

My wife will change from day to day and morning to afternoon, she can be completely filled with rage and anger, she is extremely argumentative. In our relationship we hardly ever have fall outs and when we do, its either the alcohol or a complete misunderstanding caused by my wife’s recent depression.

In the last few months my wife has now gotten worse. She is seeing her psychotherapist once a month which may increase now. She has said she is not herself and needs to be away from normality in order to get better. She is staying with a friend 2 miles away, and she has been there for the last week. Am I doing the right thing in supporting her by saying yes have your space to do this and find your feet?

The worries I have is that since the counseling over the last few months, She is drinking more frequent and losing all control over her life and now losing weight again and now I am as well as her mother, shut out and pushed away. I need to know if this is normal for me to have to take this back seat when we were so close before. The friend where she is staying at has a child of 3 yrs old and I hope this will keep her all in order. The reason my wife wishes not to be around me is that she does not want to hurt me and does not want me to see her in this way. My wife has done self harming for the last 2 months and all of this is a real big worry for me.

I’m just going out of my head in worry and fear and do not have any counseling for myself for at least for a few weeks due to a waiting list.

-Martin

Dear Martin,

Thanks for writing and sharing your problem with us. It is extremely difficult to watch someone you love suffer with something you feel so helpless in being able to help with. It is great that your wife is seeking help and it’s especially great that you have stuck by her through all this.

I think what your wife is experiencing is pretty normal. The first month or so of the counseling process can be rough as a lot of hurtful past things are being brought to the surface. Often it looks like things are getting worse, but in reality this stage has to happen in order for things to get better. Your wife obviously wants to spare you from having to deal with this stage of the journey.

I would advise you to give her space and in the meantime continue to show her that you love her and are supportive of her. Also use this time apart to honestly evaluate your relationship and perhaps some ways you can work to be closer as a couple in the future. One thing that stood out to me was your description of your happy and healthy relationship, but then in the next sentence you said she has controlled you the whole time you’ve been together.

A relationship in which one person exercises control over the other isn’t really that healthy. This could be an area that could be strengthened as you work on your marriage in the future. Just as you have to give her freedom to be her own person, she has to afford you the same freedom as it is unhealthy for an adult to be controlled by another.

I encourage you to hang in there and don’t stress over this too much but continue to be the great husband you are and in time hopefully your wife will be able to regain her life and also the life you have together.

Kindest regards,

Ted

Filed Under: Depression

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Ask a Counselor: My Wife is Severly Depressed | Guidance 2 Live | getmywifebacknow.com June 12th, 2010 at 11:21 pm

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