Ask a Counselor: Why Can’t I Love my Husband?

By | May 1, 2010

I am recently divorced. We were married all together 14 yrs. This is our 2nd go at it. We have been married and divorce twice. I think I love him until we get together. I have not wanted to be with him sexually in years and I have to make myself. He says I am his world that he loves me.

I don’t understand my feelings except that it is letting go of the knowing and going into the unknowing. He is giving me time to try to work things out and see where I feel I need to be. He is wonderful and I am scared to let go and move on. I know it isn’t fair to him to keep this going or myself or his kids or mine. I also had a relationship with a younger man for 5 months who I am falling in love with and maybe scared because of the age difference. But he makes me feel like I have never before.

My ex wants me to change a lot. I tried to change but I feel the same as before not wanting to be with him. He wants me to change my tone of voice and always say yes to him when he wants to have sex. I have tried and the feelings aren’t there. I Just need some advise from someone who doesn’t know me.

-Linda

Dear Linda,

Thanks so much for sharing your situation with us. It really looks like you’ve given this marriage a lot of time, devotion, and energy, even marrying this guy twice.

A couple things you said about your situation really stood out to me. The first being the fact that your husband wants you to change. I think you can’t love him because deep down you know that he really doesn’t love you, or at least the real you. He seems to be in love with the future version of who he thinks you should be, but he doesn’t love you for who you are.

I believe that true love = freedom so true love allows the person to be who they are and make their own choices. I think the perfect picture of true love is found in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 13 and it is a wonderful picture on how to love and be loved. You can’t give yourself to your husband because you know that he doesn’t love the true you.

Secondly, the fact that you are falling for this younger guy and that you’ve never felt that way before, shows that this guy is loving you more like the model I presented above and when we find that rare kind of love, it feels amazing! I’m not saying that things with your husband can’t be rectified, but it would have to start with your husband not with you. Will your husband be able to see and admit that he isn’t loving you properly? Who knows? Will this new man in your life be the love of your life? We don’t know that either as there are no guarantees, but I would advise you to allow yourself to explore these feelings with this other guy further and also have a frank discussion with your husband on how he loves you.

There is a big world out there and a lot of unknowns, but that’s what makes life exciting. Just follow your heart in way that shows love to yourself and others and it will lead you on the right path.

Kind regards,

Ted

2 thoughts on “Ask a Counselor: Why Can’t I Love my Husband?

  1. jokha

    hey linda may be there is some one else 4u that God keep him and only for u so keep praying some day u will know the one who have true love for you.am fro zanzibar tanzania

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