Ask: Lost From my Family’s Dysfunction?

Hello, my name is Francis. I’m currently in a stage in my life were I feel self-conscious, afraid, and withdrawn. I have had family issues since I was a child and have come to the point where I need change. Here’s my background;

I was raised in a house shared by me, my mother, father and sister. My dad was an alcoholic and most of my childhood memories were of him being angry and abusive. My mum and dad argued a lot and it got to the point were my mum decided to pack his belongings. Me and my sister were put into the car and we drove around pubs until we found him. My mum then gave him his stuff and stated that he cleaned up or he wasn’t welcome.

After a period of time my dad went to alcoholics anonymous and stopped drinking. My parents started going to church and took me and my sister along. They believed their marriage was saved even though they would still bicker and argue constantly about the most insignificant of things. This went on through out my whole youth and I stopped going to church and started smoking weed to escape. This went from being an occasional giggle to being a daily occurrence. I spent every day just trying to escape the house and I continued this pattern for 8 years, from a young teenager to a young man.

My mum used the same tactic on me as she did with dad , stop or go. I lived rough for a while and did some sofa surfing. I now hold down a job and support myself completely independently. In this period of eight years I found out that my dad (who had been married previously, with two further children) had another child who had lived in my home town all my life… I was an uncle to a kid no more than 5 years younger to me. After meeting twice she wanted me to be the child’s role model, this frightened me so I put space between us. This new sibling that I had would then go on to try and kill herself twice with post natal depression as she was a mother two more times…

When my parents seemed like they were moving forward and had payed off their mortgage, they were looking to move close to my dads home town. My mum being the main bread winner went and secured a job over in Ireland whilst my dad was suppose to be selling the house. I grew suspicious of my dad having an affair. I picked up his phone one night and it was confirmed… I confronted him and he denied it. I asked if he had thought about mum living in another country thinking that he was selling the house to join her. I left him with that thought…

I wish I never said anything, when my dad confessed my mum quit the job she had worked towards for years. She left the house in Ireland didn’t pay her bills or handed in notice to her job. I remember her throwing herself on the street declaring that she wanted to be run over. She went through a period of following my dad and myself as she thought we were plotting to sell the house and steal the money. We were all hurt on top of the crappy family life we already had…

My parents now still live with each other but just argue all the time. My mum hasn’t worked for years. My dad has a part time job. I’m scared about their futures, I just don’t know what to do, our family needs healing and love, but I don’t think I’ve ever experienced these. I feel so low and I am too scared to have a relationship as I don’t actually know how to love. I’m angry inside and bitter, I just want to cry and let it all out and wash away but that obviously that isn’t reality.

I don’t know who I am any more. I used to be care free and fun, now I feel outcast and depressed. I feel awkward and unnatural around my friends I’ve known for years, I feel like I’m unwanted and a conversation killer. My friends are still smoking drugs and drinking heavily , I want to move away from this but I don’t appear to have the courage or hunger anymore. I find myself rubbing shoulders with the law and have been arrested twice. I’m ashamed of myself and what I’ve turned into. I don’t know where to go or what to… I’ve created and live my own nightmare. I’m in despair.

-Francis

Dear Francis,

Thanks for sharing you story with me. It seems like your situation is a bit complex for what I’m able to do in a few paragraphs but I can try to give you a little hope and a place to start from. I’m a firm believer in our ability as humans to create or own destinies. Life just doesn’t have to simply happen but we have the power to make choices that bring negative things into our lives or the power to make choices that bring positive things into our lives.

I think a first step for you is to learn to accept God’s forgiveness, forgive yourself, and begin to see yourself as God sees you. You have value, your are loved, and you have potential because He has placed this in every one of us. You have got to silence the negative inner voices that tell you the opposite. These voices will absolutely derail you from ever living up to your potential.

Secondly I would encourage you to let go of your family a bit. You cannot save them and it is not your job to. They are grown adults and have to figure things out for themselves. Their dysfunction has to stop destroying your life and occupying your mental energy that could be put to far better use. I would even go as far to suggest that you move to a new city, where you can make a fresh start and rebuild your life.

I found myself in a dead end situation in my hometown and although it was hard to leave, I sold everything and made a fresh start in a different country. It has been the best decision ever. Now you don’t have to move to a different country but a city that would allow you to make a fresh start would be recommended.  It’s just important for you to focus on your own life for a while as we only get one shot at life and you still have time to turn it around and have a good one. However, I don’t see this happening if you stay in the same environment and keep allowing your family and friends to keep pulling you downstream in the current of their dysfunction.

Perhaps when you do move you’ll be able to spend some time in some sort of regular counseling in order to undo all the negative self views and the irrational beliefs that have been imprinted into your psyche. Francis, you have just as much right to happiness and success in life as anyone so don’t let your past nor your family and friends steal this from you any longer. I believe in you and I ask that you believe in yourself so that you may rise above your difficulties and despair and move on to a bright future.

Kind regards,

Ted