Cheating, Pregnancy, Abortion, and Hurt

I am a young man in my late 20′s and have been going out with my girlfriend for about 8 months now. About 3 years ago there was this lady (ex-lover) I really liked and wanted to go out with but for some reasons she turned me down. I continued pursuing her within those 3 years doing everything to win her, but each time she turned me down though she said she loved me and that the problem was she didn’t know her plans and was not ready to be in a relationship. We did a lot of intimate things within those 3 years although I never slept with her.

I finally had to give up since she suggested I look elsewhere. So I searched but still flirted and did things with her. I then fell for a friend and we began to go out (my girlfriend now). I then told my ex-lover that I found someone although I didn’t specifically tell her that I was already going out because I thought she might be a little bit hurt by it. When I told her this, to my surprise, she completely changed insisting that I do not go out with my girlfriend and that she wanted to be with me. I told her no since I really wanted to be with my new girl. My ex-lover became hysterical, crying and begging me not to leave her and in trying to console her, holding and touching, I ended up sleeping with her. I felt very bad after the incident and told myself it shouldn’t happen again, but unfortunately I have tasted something I had always thought of for some years now and an edge for more developed.

I did not know how to deal with my ex-lover, I did not want to be with her anymore but did not know how to handle her constant crying and begging. I asked a friend of mine who said I should tell her to calm down and let me think things through. So I told her that, but telling her that was a mistake because it only gave her hope. Her hope and my sex drive, which I could not control, started an affair. Feeling guilty I tried to stop, telling her that she should forget about me but didn’t work. This continued for some months and the unfortunate thing happened, she became pregnant.

All hell broke loose, we were in a dilemma, what should we do. I was thinking of my girlfriend and how hurt and disappointed she would be and was also not prepared to take care of a child. She was also thinking of what her parents would do since I was not ready to marry her and was also not prepared for a child. So we had a choice of keeping the child or going for an abortion, but we all felt bad about the abortion, so we did not know what to do. Well days passed and we had to make a decision, I finally asked her to decide though I was hoping she would choose the abortion.

Unfortunately, we went for the abortion. Hoping this would bring things to an end it rather made situations worst. My ex-lover won’t let me go. The trauma of the abortion has made her more attached to me.

I could not take it anymore, I felt so guilty so I decided to tell my girlfriend everything. She had to know, we were planning so many things together and I really love her. I finally told my girlfriend everything. She was so hurt and I felt so bad for myself that I haven’t yet forgiven myself though my girlfriend has forgiven me, but has not decided whether to breakup with me or not.

I’m so messed up right now, when I think about the whole situation it leaves me hopeless. I really want to be with my girlfriend and can’t imagine losing her, but my ex-lover won’t just leave me alone. I feel very bad for my ex-lover and wish she could be happy again.

The cheating, the lying, the abortion, my ex-lover and my girlfriend. I SERIOUSLY NEED HELP.

-Dkudjo

Dear Dkudjo,

Thanks for sharing your situation with me and it sounds like you’ve been dealing with a lot of drama lately. I’ll be real frank here. You may think you love your girlfriend, but I’m sorry, when you love someone you don’t cheat on them, get other girls pregnant, have abortions etc. This is not true love my friend.

The fact that this girl hasn’t kicked you to the curb is beyond me. I think you should do this girl a favor and let her go. You will only destroy her with your lack of self control. There will always be other women who will be more than willing to have sex with you and until you get yourself sorted, you will no doubt keep behaving badly despite your feelings of guilt and self loathing.

Maybe some weekly counseling would be in order to determine why you would treat your girlfriend this way and be so deceptive. It sounds like the other girl is really messed up by this situation as well. It is hardly ever just about sex, but often hearts are involved. Now it’s time to do what’s right and spare your girlfriend’s heart and help to heal your ex-lover’s.

Sincerely,

Ted

Filed Under: Ask a Counselor, Sexual Issues

Comments (5)

admin August 16th, 2010 at 7:40 pm

Posted by Dkudjo

Thanks for helping me sort myself out, but I’m a little bit confused and need some answers to the below:

In case in relationship where there is a focus of get married in the near future and one party has an affair, does it mean an automatic breakup without finding a way to reconcile the relationship especially when the party who faulted has confessed and asked for forgiveness.

In my post I did not go about sleeping with other girls but one girl who I once loved and wanted to date, isn’t it just a possibility of old feelings coming back.

Is it not possible for one to “turn over a new leaf” through repentance, forgiveness and salvation in Christ.

I need to know how to help both girls to heal.

Please Help, because i really want to become a better person.

admin August 16th, 2010 at 7:46 pm

I think your case is a little different than the other because the circumstances were different. You had a long-term ongoing relationship with this other girl, it wasn’t just a once off slip up. In your case there is a lot of emotions and feelings involved.

I just don’t think you are being fair to the girl you cheated on, she deserves better. It’s not about how God see’s it because yes, he does forgive you and you can start over. But here on earth you have to do what’s best for the parties involved and I just see a lot of further pain for this innocent young lady.

Perhaps you should be with the ex-lover and let this other girl go.

admin August 21st, 2010 at 7:02 pm

I really understand all that you have said but cant I find a way of salvaging my relationship between my girlfriend and I. I come out to confess to my girlfriend not only because i felt very guilt but because I thought she deserves better and we had so many plans for future including marriage, i just had to be honest with her.

I know i have messed up big time for my own selfishness and really don’t deserve her but i know i can change and really make her happy if given the second chance, its even one of the reasons why i had to come clean.

I also want to help my ex-lover heal because she also deserves to be happy. Probably the fair thing would be stay with my ex-lover but isn’t it about who you really want to be with.

Perhaps I should let everything go and lets see what the future holds.

by the way, i never slept with my girlfriend, the reason that she wanted us to get married first and wanted to respect that. Probably things would have been different if I did because my ex-lover is the only one i have slept with (she too) and would have not felt the edge to do so.

Well right now I’m not sure anything, some more help will do. Thanks a lot.

admin August 22nd, 2010 at 10:10 pm

Yours is a tricky situation and I tend to side with the innocent victim here which is your girlfriend. So do what’s best for her. If you think you are what’s best for her and her ultimate happiness then work it out with her, however, if you will continue to bring her pain because of the past and the fact that this ex-lover refuses to leave you alone, then perhaps you should let her go. So perhaps you should put your own wants and needs aside and think of your girlfriend first because that is true love. If that was your attitude in the first place this situation probably never would have happened. What’s done is done so learn the lessons that this situation is teaching and move on with life.

ChristianC May 23rd, 2011 at 10:56 pm

I know this is an old post, but reading it– felt like I was reading my story. Parts of it anyway. My husband and I were going through some things after he did a tour in Iraq. I got pregnant and he bullied me into an abortion because he didnt want his new girlfriend to find out his wife was pregnant. Why in the world I was such a weak person to murder my own baby, I will never know myself. But the trauma from murdering a baby is so real. I just want to say, that after 5 years the pain is still just as real and just as fresh as it was the day it happened. He walked out on me a week after I did it. I still love him. And I dont think I’ll ever find the closure I need– or the self forgiveness. I know that Jesus has forgiven me, but I have not forgiven myself. Nor will I ever. I dont think I will ever have the capacity to love another man again. I too am in my late 20s now, and it just wont ever happen again for me.

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