Christian Conservatives and We Had Premarital Sex
My conservative Christian parents hate my boyfriend because we went behind their backs over this past summer and had intercourse. We’re both 20 years old and love each other deeply, even though we’ve only been dating for about 10 months.
If it wasn’t for the fact we are both in college, we would be getting married, but as it is, I (especially) am dependent on my parents for financial support and there is no way we could survive without at least one of us giving up our education. Another level of complexity is that because we are both Christians, our sexual activity brings us guilt and fear. Even though we’ve tried desperately to stop, we can’t seem to give it up.
My parents are beyond angry and hate him so much. They constantly discourage our relationship, put him down to no end, and try to keep me from seeing him as much as possible. They also think that he’s going nowhere in life, and that he’s not smart enough or rich enough for me (he comes from a very poor family). The biggest problem they have is that they feel he disrespects me and them every time he has sex with me, even though I sometimes am the initiator!
No matter how many times I tell them that I love him, and that he treats me with great respect and patience, it does no good. I know he’s not ever going to be wealthy (he’s studying horticulture right now), but I’ve always wanted to work through my life, and since I plan on doing medical research, I figure we’ll be fine together financially once we’ve graduated.
The fact that we won’t have a huge home or monthly vacations doesn’t bother us. It’s killing me on the inside though because I want to maintain a strong relationship with my parents while still loving and dating my boyfriend, which is seeming more and more impossible.
What should we do?
Dear Kat,
I would first say that at 20 years of age you are both adults and can make your own decisions. In fact it isn’t anyone’s business but your own concerning having sex with your boyfriend.
It sounds like to me that you are both committed to each other and that you love each other, in Biblical times you would have been married by now, but our culture has different values than the culture the Bible was written to did. You have to view the Bible in light of the culture it was written to.
Also, I think you will have a hard time using the Bible to prove sex between two people who love each other is wrong outside of marriage. The verses just aren’t there. The Bible isn’t a sexual manual and I’m glad it isn’t or we would be marrying our bothers or sisters, having multiple wives, and marrying our dead brother’s wife….
I think you really need to question where the guilt is coming from and evaluate if the guilt is real or just stemming from some faulty believe about God and how he feels about sex.
The church’s teaching has been so damaging. I know many happy couples that had premarital sex and they have awesome relationships. I know others that waited and have horrible relationships and sex lives. In fact, many become sexually repressed because of the church’s teaching and can never have good sex. They always view it as dirty and forbidden.
Sex has been created by God and it’s a beautiful thing shared between two people that love and care for one another. Don’t put rules on it that were never there to begin with.
Tell your parents that the only thing that they are required to do is to treat your boyfriend with the love of Christ instead of with such hatred, prejudice, and contempt.
All the best,
Ted
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Comments (1)
Biblical scripture has no prohibitions on premarital sex, but speaks thousands of words about respect, love, commitment and the Golden Rule.
Growing numbers of conservative Christians are rejecting dogmatic prohibitions against premarital sex. Treat your boyfriend with love and respect, and enjoy a fulfilling sex life without guilt.
Keep your ties with your Church strong and active.
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