I’am very self-conscious, luck confidence and feel trip in a horrible nightmare, that is my life. I have amount to nothing in life. Because of my learning disablity is holding me back. I had great vision and dream of how my life was suppose to be like. My vision was to living my dream in the Entertainment business, married with children, enjoying life and enjoying the good life. Now I’am a 31 year old loser that never been in a relationship with the oppsite sex and still living home with my parents. Both of my parent are now sick and need me to run a family business. That I just can’t do on my own and my family understand my life is a hell. I have never meet a attract women that finds me equally attractive. Everyday its like a never ending slap in the face. See all my the people I once know living there dreams. I’am so sick and tired of living with the pain. Now my father have cancer and mother is mentally ill. I don’t have any support anymore. My family have given up on me. Every night I go to sleep hoping I just don’t wake up and just die in my sleep. I week up fight myself should I live are die. I carry a deep pain of being a unachiever thourgh out my childhood now in my adult
life. In my culture if you are not successful, being productive and being emotionally strong. Then you are not a man and you are classifed as being a
have not. If you are in that group you community have no respect for you and doing want you around. It’s so hard living life along. I find myself taking to myself. Because I have no one to talk too and share my ambitions with. I find myself eating to easy my pain. At times I feel like I’am losing my mind and finding myself trusting people. Thanking there are all trying to hurt me. Every women I have meet so far have hurt me. I use use internet dating serivces and every perosn I have meet have been wrong for me. Its hard to date when you are short and ugly. Wemon in my culture only go out with tall men are average high men. Guys that are 5’11 to 6’0 plus with a very good jobs. I don’t have any of those. Whats real depressing is that my younger family memeber have pass me by. They have finish college, have a career and gotten married. There are years younger than
me. Its like living life in slow motion and the world passing me by so fast. I grow up being you can be anything when you set you mind to it. I believe in heaven and a hell. I believe this is my hell for something I must done wrong in my past life. Everything I do never comes out right and falls apart. Death seems like my freedom from my hell. I so tired of feeling in complete. My father serve his country retired from the Army expose to agent orange in Vietnam war. How our country thank him. By giving him cancer, bring death to the offspring and birth defects, like learning disablities like me. Now I have to spend rest of my short and painful life of hell. We live in a world were only the strong survive and the weak should suffer. Until you die for crime or drugs. I can’t get health insurance because I was treated for mental illness. Thanks to our people in washington. Want to take our right of working class people. Now I have fallen to work class. If I can hold down a job or get one. My grew up in a upper-middle class family and was hope to continue to at least, live in the class I grew up in with hard work. I can’t even do that. My father is ashamed of me. He tell me this all the time. Why couldn’t you make something of myself. Now all my dream and hopes have been shattered. Now I’am just planning my Funeral, writing our a list in hoping for another life. There is nothing in this world for me. For those who believe there is…Trying living life with a learning disability and a broken back. I watch pornography because its the closest to being with attractive women. Everynight I cry myself to sleep and only sleep for 3 to 4 hours. I week up and beat myself for punshisment for being a loser. I beat myself with cords, belts and strong sticks for pain lession of my life. I have been depressed for so long, from never having a relationship of any kind other than my parents. I have grow emotionally num to the world. I just want a clear conscious before my Death day on my Birthday May 10th. I would end my life on mother’s day. It was the day I was born May 10th on Mother’s day. Its my birthday gift to myself, the gift of pace and end to my suffering. I have my last meal planned out.