God Hates Divorce and Stay Together for the Kids

Hi, 16 years ago I met a girl at the church and we started to date. As a was a new christian I was still battling a sexual addiction which led to pre-marital sex with her. We were only dating about 6 months when she became pregnant. I was so confused and her parents thought we should get married.

When her Father and one of her brothers asked me if I loved her, I said yes. I was trying to convince myself that I did. We went to marriage counseling and the Pastor did a compatibility test and we were so far off, thinking in different directions he said that we would have a challenge, but reassured us that through God all things are possible.

We got married but it never felt right and I was not happy. We are attracted to each other, but we can’t stand each other’s personalities. After having our son, my sexual addiction came to surface again and I was unfaithful to her. 3 years into the marriage we separated for 3 years and I found out that we were going to have our second child. Not great timing. 3 years later I wanted to give it another try because I loved my kids that much and knew what it was like to grow up without a Father.

I also thought that through God, anything is possible so I could learn to love my wife. Her Heart had become cold because of my unfaithfulness and she began to ignore me. 3 years later I became unfaithful again yet my wife still wanted to stay married. I blame myself for ruining everything and she is now never home. She keeps herself busy with working and helping out her sister in law. It’s like we both keep holding on for the kids. I know God hates divorce, but I feel like I’ve ruined the marriage beyond repair and I still don’t feel forgiven and its hard for me to even forgive myself.

I’m really trying to surrender myself to God so he can guide me his way. Do I get out because of all the damage I have done? Or do I not give up hoping that it will get better. Any advice?

Sincerely,
Ian

Dear Ian,

Thanks for sharing your very difficult situation with us and I think in actuality you have been a victim of some very bad advice over the years.

Unfortunately, I believe there are a lot of churches out there that do not teach the word of God accurately and use this faulty teaching to keep folks like yourself trapped in bad situations and also this convinces them to make poor decisions. I’ll outline some things that I believe is faulty in the teaching/advice you received.

1. Sexual addiction- The fact that a young man wants to have sex is not a sexual addiction. God made you as a sexual being, with sexual needs, and it is part of who you are. The trouble is that society now delays marriage until people are usually in their twenties when people’s bodies have been ready for sex at the age of 12 or 13. No wonder there are teens having sex and getting pregnant. marriage usually isn’t the best option when mistakes happen. The fact that you still want to have sex an intimacy does not make you a sex addict but a normal human being.
2. All things are possible with God- This verse was never meant to be used as a blanket statement and justification to make poor decisions. You took a compatibility test that showed you weren’t compatible, but were advised to marry based on that verse… God was trying to show you that it wasn’t the right decision but you didn’t listen and instead thought this verse meant God was obligated to make your marriage magically work. God simply doesn’t work that way and I’m sure you now are aware of this.
3. God hates divorce- This verse has been taken way out of context and divorce in the cultural setting when that verse was written was completely different than it is today just as even marriage is. We live in a broken world and because of this, sometimes marriages just don’t work out for many reasons, but there is grace for those situations. No one should be trapped by being in really unhealthy marriages.

Also the advice to stay together for the kids is often wrong as well. Your kids are watching you and your wife, learning what love, intimacy, and marriage is all about. Quite frankly, they are getting a horrible picture of this based on what you told me concerning your marriage thus far. You can be a great dad to your kids, shower them with love and attention even if you don’t live with them full time. It would be better for your kids to see both of you in healthy, loving relationships than stay together and be miserable.

I think you are free to let each other go and move on. Also find a church that focuses more on grace and listening to the Spirit of God more so than this black and white version of Christianity that does nothing but keep people trapped and laden with guilt. God wants you to live freely, from your heart!

All the best,

Ted

Filed Under: Adultery, Ask a Counselor

Comments (4)

Jane August 24th, 2010 at 4:22 am

When there are children in a marriage and the husband is the ungodly partner, to divorce puts the children in jeopardy. The mother can not protect her children from abuses the father perpetuates or allows to occur by inviting other ungodly family members or friends to have access to the children. So, what is your counsel in this type of case which is very common?

admin August 24th, 2010 at 10:37 pm

Hi Jane,

While this is true of some situations it is impossible for even a mother to protect children from an abusive father or extended family members. In cases like that I would tell the parent to go to the police/courts and get restraining orders or orders of protection against the abusers.

michelle January 6th, 2011 at 3:11 am

I have a 5 month old baby< my husband has cheated 3 times that i know about, did drugs, lies very often, gets aggressive, is unpredictable (gets completely out of control and nobody can stop him) but he also has a nice side to him should i divorce or stay together

admin January 6th, 2011 at 11:25 am

I think if you would read that back to yourself, you would know the answer… ” being nice sometimes” goes noway in making up for the pure disrespect he has for you. You need to take a stand for yourself and for women everywhere, to never allow a man to treat you like that. It is totally unacceptable and you are free to walk away from this marriage because your husband has broken his vows long ago.

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