Healing From a Destructive Relationship
I have been divorced since January 12th 2012. He and I got married on March 16th 2006. I was 18 when we got married. He was 20. We have a 4 year old son. Who is my world. We started having problems when he started watching porn. It later advanced to him wanting to watch it while me made love.
Then when I got pregnant with our son he cheated on me. I knew it was going on but I loved him and knew we were about to have a baby so I acted like it didn’t happen. After our son was born things got worse. He then started to encourage me to sleep around with any guy I wanted. This was all happening while he was a youth minster and so was I. Eventually I gave in to his requests and his wants.
I was abused physically and sexually as a child and teenager. I left him for 6 months and thought he had changed.He then started the sleeping with other couples and things. He got mad at me when I tried to talk to him about it and pulled a gun and tried to kill himself…while our 3 year old was present. He also pushed my head into the car window and took my shoulders and shook me really hard. Left his hand prints on me. So I left again after being back together for a year and a half.
Now he is with a new girl …who is 17.. and was in our youth. I’m lost as to what to do. He is happy. I am but I’m not. I want to let go of him… I know deep down that I still have feelings for him but I know it can never be again. To much has been done. I don’t want him to be happy. No one knows what he has done to me.. and the church thinks he is this great guy and he has done nothing to me.
He has made me look like a really bad person and taken no blame. I want to hate him but I feel bad for hating him. I don’t want him with a 17 year old either. She came to me with her problems when he and I done the youth so I know all about her. She is like him as far as the sexual stuff goes. I don’t know what to do… I need help. I’m sorry that I typed so much.
-K D
Dear K D,
I think you are definitely better divorced from this guy. You have done the right thing.
As far as your feelings go, this is a complicated issue, but it seems like they may be rooted in past hurt and co-dependency instead of true love. This would explain why you would take such a man back time after time.
Now as far as your husband’s double life, why are you keeping it secret for him? Tell the world, tell the church, tell the 17 year old’s parents… Why should he get to look like a good guy and and be allowed to deceive so many people?
I would recommend that you go to counseling and work through all of this as well as your past history of of sexual abuse. We can’t possibly do that in this format, but a good counselor, that can meet with you weekly, can.
You are on the right track, just focus on getting your life back and stand up for yourself. Don’t let this guy get away with dragging you through the mud any longer.
Kind regards,
Ted
Filed Under: Ask a Counselor, Divorce
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Comments (1)
Ted, Thank you. It’s good to feel as though I have someone on my side. Thank you for the advice. We spent Easter together for our son at the church where his dad pastors. The 17 year old was there and sat in the van and sulked and pouted the whole time cause I was there…I guess I need a whole lot of prayer and whole lot of patience!
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