Ask a Counselor: How Do I Deal With My Mother in Law?

My husband and I have been married for five years and have 2 wonderful children. About 2 years ago our family relocated to live closer to his family, now everything is a mess.

I cannot do anything right even if I wanted to for my mother in law. I don’t take care of my children right, my house is not good enough, need I say more?  Anytime I mention her overbearingness, my husband thinks that I’m attacking her. He also wont say anything to her and lets her control my children even when we are there.

I don’t want to upset my husband… and I want to keep peace in the family. However, I want MY family back. My husband lets her tell him what to do and my kids repeat things she says about me to me. Its driving me insane and I’m about ready to exploded. Please help.

-Tresea

Dear Tresea,

Thanks for your question and you are not alone as many women and men deal with the age old struggle with mother in laws.  This is a problem of letting go and control. Both the mother and son have to let go and the mother in law has to give up control over the son.

This answer should really be addressed to your husband because quite frankly there isn’t much you can do to change this as the power lies with your husband. So please share this with him.

It is difficult to love two women very much and want to please them both, but a choice must be made. When you married your wife, you left your mother and father and joined with your wife to start your own family. You have to let go of your relationship with your mother and make your wife number one in your life. You can not please them both.

You are giving your mother power and control that she has no right to have and it is very unhealthy. I advise you to stand up to your mother and tell her what the boundaries are and make it clear that she is no longer allowed to interfere in your family affairs nor is she allowed to speak badly about your wife in front of you or your children.

You can try to tell her in the most loving way possible, but I’m sure she’ll be offended and angry, but stand your ground. Giving up control can be a painful process, but soon she will realize that if she wants you and her grandkids in her life, she will have to start behaving appropriately.

If you wish to have a happy marriage then you have got to make your wife your number one priority and put your mother in her place. This will not fix itself and could only get worse unless you establish boundaries and take back your family. I hope this helps and please let us know how everything turns out in the comments below.

All the Best,

Ted