How Do I Support My Depressed Girlfriend?

My girlfriend has been diagnosed with mild depression. It took me about a month to get her to go and see a doctor and then a further 3 months to see a counselor but at least she is going there fortnightly now.

We live together and have been doing so for the past 4 months. We are starting to have problems all of a sudden. She is constantly irritable and even the smallest things I do annoy her. She is on pristique 50mg which I thought was supposed to be something that levels out her emotions. I’m trying my best to support her, but it’s quite difficult. I mean it’s fine for everyone to sit there and say how hard it must be for the one who is suffering, but not much consideration seems to be taken for the one/s who are putting up with it.

Whenever we have a talk about whatever is upsetting her she cries and constantly tells me she feels like I’m getting sick of her or at least that I must be because she is sick of herself.

I’m not entirely sure what to do?I stand up for myself and she takes it as me telling her what to do. I’m doing all I can to support her. I help her out whenever she needs it. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

-Tom

Dear Tom,

Thanks for sharing your situation and you’re 100% correct, there isn’t much support for the people who live with/ love the person suffering with depression.

From what I gathered from your question, your girlfriend may be taking advantage of you. First, she is taking out her own frustrations with life on you and then manipulating you with guilt to keep you from leaving. This is unacceptable. Just because she has depression, it doesn’t give her license to treat those in her life badly. She needs to recognize that what she’s doing will eventually sabotage the best thing that’s happening in her life.

I would approach this by sitting her down and with as much love as possible explaining the above or perhaps you could go to one of her counseling sessions with her and allow the counselor to mediate. Ultimately, you aren’t married to this girl and you are free to leave, which sometimes is for the best as your girlfriend will never be truly happy with someone else unless she is first happy in and with herself.

The bottom line is that you can’t save her or rescue her from this. You can support her, but do not enable her to get away with treating you badly. She will have to beat this depression within her own mind. Just make sure she knows that you love her but at the same time, you deserve to be treated with the same love and respect that you are giving her and being depressed doesn’t give her permission to treat you or anyone else badly.

All the best,

Ted

Filed Under: Ask a Counselor, Depression, Relationships

Comments (6)

cavin May 28th, 2011 at 12:52 pm

I AM GOIN THRU THE SAME THING WITH MY FIANCE. I DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TOO DO. SHE HAS NO INSURANCE CAUSE SHE WAS LAID OFF N FEB OF 2011. SO SHES BEEN HOME WITH OUR KIDS AND CANT FIND WORK ANYWHERE. I WORK AT A PRISON SO I WORK 12 HRS A DAY AND WHEN I GET HOME IM TIRED. I TRY EVERYTHING N MY POWER TO HELP HER.I CANT HAVE HER SEE A DR OR ANYTHING CAUSE WE DONT HAVE THE MONEY AND I CANT PUT HER ON MY INSURANCE CAUSE WE R NOT MARRIED YET. SHE LAYS N THE BED ALLDAY LONG AND I TRY TO GET HER UP AND DO ANYTHING LIKE WASH CLOTHES OR DISHES BUT DOIN THAT JUST MAKES THINGS WORST CAUSE WHEN SOMETHING DONT GO HER WAY SHE GETS UPSET AND THEN TAKES IT OUT ON ME. SO WHAT I WILL DO IS THAT I WILL TAKE IT UPON MYSELF TO DO IT ALL AND TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS SO THAT SHE WILL NOT GET UPSET BOUT ANYTHING. SHE TELLS ME ALL THE TIME THAT THERES SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER AND THAT SHE NEEDS HELP. WELL IM NOT A DR AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. SO NOW SHE WANTS TO END THE RELATIONSHIP BUT I KINDA DONT TRUST HER AROUND OUR KIDS BY HERSELF AND THATS SAD TO SAY BUT SHE TELLS ME THAT SHE DONT KNOW HOW SHE FEELS AND IS AFRAID THAT SHE MIGHT DO SOMETHING ( WHAT I DONT KNOW SHE NEVER STATED). SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME. I LOVE HER AND IM HERE FOR HER BUT SHE HAS TO WANT TO HELP HERSELF BEFORE I CAN HELP HER.

Henk October 2nd, 2011 at 11:36 pm

Good day. About a month and a half ago my Fiance of 1 year 4 months left me. She has been diagnosed with depression and has been living with it for the last 7 years. About January she started getting help. Our whole relationship started going down the drain as I started my own bussnes and left my job to do so! I also started playing sports again and she is not interested in the sport I’m playing although she watched almost every match we played. Most of my time and effort went into my bussnes and sport and I stoped being there for her when she needed me,we couldn’t go out any more because my bussenes strugled and income was minimal,also I do not have my drivers licence yet so someone else had to take us. She also started a rock band as it is her passion and she got a new drummer for the band. We had alot of fights over the drummer until I pushed her to far. She went to see the phycologist thats helping her and after that she told me its over,but she still loves me and misses me when I’m not there! She is now going out to the movies with this guy and spending alot of time with him,she also told me they are kisseng,but after a few days she would tel her mom she stil loves me and cares for me! She is trying to push me away because she says it hurts when she thinks of me. She also never had fun with friends,she didn’t have many friends and she also says now she needs to spend time with friends and chat with friends! Before we broke up she asked for space as it felt like I was smothering her,the depression gave her that feeling! I realy truly love her and I wan’t to spend the rest of my life with her and I know she loves me to but she says she doesn’t know of the future because she needs to focus on herself to get better to stop the depression!
PLS help me I wan’t her back and no one I speak to seems to know what to do!

david December 20th, 2011 at 6:56 pm

i have been with my girlfriend for 2 and a half months now and just need some help in supporting her though this tuff time in her life she is on 20mg at the moment and i just feel like she does not want my help i have tryed lots of stuff like going on long walks and spending time with her on our own but it feels like it is not working so if there is anyone that can give me help i would be greatful

thanks david weeks age 25

shawn February 9th, 2012 at 2:07 pm

My girl friend of 13 months is pushing me awaY. She doesnt like to talk things out. Or inform me of her feelings. I find it difficult for me to understand as well. I returned from afghanistan and then we started dating i been diagnosed with PTSD from what happened and i been getting alot of help.But she wont i have suggested it to her and she said the lasttime she felt like the counsiller didnt help. Its tough for me to see her this way i love and care for her alot. But she doesnt show it back anymore. She works really hard in school and her part time job. She does her best to get top marks. But when it comes to me its like she doesnt care anymore. I try to understand her but she wont tell me what wrong.Any ideas?????

avanloh1 February 17th, 2012 at 4:31 pm

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 8 months now. He has been dealing with a divorce that he went through 3 years ago and doesn’t share to much about him getting a divorce with anyone. We got engaged about a month ago but he called it off because he said he just was not ready because of the divorce he went through. I know that he has been feeling sad all the time and I know that I felt this way when I got raped about 3 years ago now. I did not know how I could help him. I try to talk with him about things but I know that sometimes asking someone to talk about things can make him upset. If there is anything I can do please let me know. Thank you and God bless.

admin February 17th, 2012 at 4:34 pm

I think that you just can be there as a support and listen when they need it. You can’t solve their problems and you can’t fix them.. It’s something they have to work through in their own heads or with a professional counselor. Just keep loving them , but again don’t allow yourself to be sucked into their depression.

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