Husband Stuck in Past Memories of Possibly Gay Relationship

My husband had a best friend thru childhood – young adult, who often accompanied us on dates. His friend was killed at 24 years of age, nearly 3 decades ago.

My husband has always kept me at arms length emotionally. Early in our marriage I blamed in on his long work hours and later his alcoholism, but after 20 years of sobriety and numerous lengthy counseling attempts, both Christian and secular, nothing has really changed. My husband claims to be a Christian, but his walk with Christ has never evolved in 15 years and he frequently has tried to find ways to prevent me from attending church.

We now are empty-nesters. My husband is obsessed with his former best friend. Through the years he’s even told me “you only get one best friend in life and I’ve already had mine.” That statement has been his excuse for never making new friends and also tells me I’ve never been considered a candidate for the position.

My husband has a photo of his deceased friend above his work bench, above mine and the kids. He has a tattoo in his memory. He has taken up costly hobbies to do by himself, things he use to do with his friend, as if to relive their lives together. He even submitted an article to a hobby magazine about him and his friend with this hobby. It sounded exceptionally odd. I told my husband he’s living in the past and I’m tired of competing with a dead person. He says there is nothing wrong with him having fond memories of a friend and that he’s not in love with his friend’s ghost. However I feel he has undying loyalty to someone who’s been gone for 28 years and sometimes I feel this was not just his best friend, but “The Love of his Life”. Once I asked him if he and his friend were gay. He did not answer the question. I told this to my pastor and my pastor says that indeed he did answer the question through his silence.

My pastor suggested I convince my husband to come to see our pastor for counseling. My husband denies there is anything wrong with any of his obsessive behavior or having memories of a deceased friend. However he doesn’t carry on this way about his deceased brother or father.

I use to ask my husband why he loves me and his answer was always “because You love me.” Was marrying me a convenient way for my husband to deny his homosexuality to himself and the rest of the world?

I don’t have a clue how to talk to my husband about this further, much less how to get him to talk to our pastor. Nor do I know how to cope with the thought that I married a man who is gay.

Please – I need all the help I can get!