As a child I was molested by a much older cousin from the ages of about 4 to 10 and to keep me quiet about it he used to choke me until he was confident I would keep my mouth shut. On most occasions I thought I would die. The pressure made me feel like my head and veins in my eyes would explode. He was a burn victim and had burns and pink patches all over his body and images of his body sometimes haunt me while I sleep. On one occasion, as soon as my mom left for work he had his way with me. I may have been about 7 or 8, afterward I ran outside after the incident and stayed outside until my mom got home from work. Instead of my mom asking why I was outside in the cold weather with my night clothes on she was embarrassed about me being outside looking homely and beat me with a phone cord.
I have nightmares that I die. My mom normally pushes me in quicksand. I wake up after I have been dead for a while. My grandfather was murdered before I was born and my dad was never in my life. So I had no positive male role models as a child. I didn’t meet my father until I was 21. I initiated this meeting. As a kid I prayed for my dad to come and rescue me from my life but he never came. I found out my dad was supported by his family financially all of his life and never worked. My father and mother broke up because he had another woman pregnant at the same time as my mom. My father has supported that child financially and emotionally.
I am jealous of this but don’t want to feel this way about my little brother. I was an alcoholic as a teenager. I feel like I am lost and can’t find myself or piece of mind. I am 28 and alone in life.
Thanks for sharing this very painful situation. As a fellow abuse survivor, I can attest to all the emotional pain and difficulties it causes. It can cripple people for their whole lives, but thankfully through counseling and a loving God, sexual abuse can be healed and overcome.
I’m sure the abuse has left you with feelings of being powerless, confusing sexual feelings, and feelings of worthlessness. The first thing to understand when dealing with sexual abuse is that this was not your fault, you were an innocent victim. The second thing is to undo all of the irrational beliefs and lies this caused you to believe about the world and yourself.
I highly recommend that you see a counselor about all of this. Preferably a counselor that has experience with sexual abuse victims and or one that specializes in a type of cognitive behavioral therapy. This needs to be talked about and worked through. Also, I think a big step is telling your family what happened. Molestation relies on secrecy to perpetuate. You have got to at some point destroy this secrecy. You probably also have a certain degree of self-hatred. This causes you to be unable to believe that someone else could love you which inevitably isolates you from others.
You have to learn how to love yourself and how to use your life experiences to make you stronger instead of letting them defeat you. I used to wish that none of the abuse happened, but I don’t anymore as it made me the man that I am, which is strong and empathetic to others who have suffered. I’m using the junk that happened in my life to be a help to others and to make a difference. I think you can do this too, but you need to get some help in order to heal and get to a healthy place.
I think soon you will be able to love yourself, celebrate who you are, and begin to experience positive relationships with others. This will be a process and I think that it’s great that you want to start that process even if it was simply writing to me. This shows you are ready to put all of this behind you and allow your heart to heal.
All the best,