I’m Angry at My Adulterous Wife

I am currently in a place where I cannot stop thinking about my marriage and the big question of….Should I end it, can I end it, and why should I?

A little bit of history

I met my wife through my best friend about 6 years ago and hit it off pretty well considering I was going through a divorce at the time. A few months later we ended spending a lot of time together and were seeing each other exclusively when I got jealous one night and she dumped me at my roommate’s and my party. A few hours later she was in bed with him. The next day she said she made a mistake and was very persistent on getting me back, she did.

I started working offshore shortly after that. Her father use to work offshore as well and he actually was the person who got me setup in this career as I was qualified for from University. One of the things that I was so fond of my wife for was that she respected and knew how the industry worked and how hard it was on a relationship.At the time she and I had a child and got married a year later. I dont think we got married because of our daughter, but I was having thoughts of leaving her before she told me she was pregnant. I decided to that I had to work at our relationship and give it my best now that responsibilities had been place on us, I am glad I did.

One night whilst I was offshore she had a scare at home and thought someone was following her, so she decided to take some self defense so she could protect herself and our daughter if she ever needed to and began taking kickboxing. She instantly fell in love with martial arts and was offered a position at the academy, which she took. She loved the job and even though it was very long hours and extremely low pay compared to what she was making and doing, it was something she loved. I had always loved the martial arts and greatly respected everything about it and I was interested in joining myself, which I did a year after her. The academy offered me a position and eventually an opportunity to own my own academy. This was my chance to stop the strenuously non family oriented offshore life we had both been wishing for, it was a chance to be with my daughter and wife the way a husband should be, I began training as an instructor.

About a year and a half went by in our marriage and on December 26th, 2010 I was informed that my wife had been having an affair on me for some time with the owner of the kickboxing gym, the man that had been investing so much time into me, my life, and my families future. I was offshore at the time and hired a PI to get the proof. When I returned I confronted her and she lied about it for a moment because she was scared and ended up telling me the truth when I asked her to leave. A week later I had a dream the their was more so I confronted her again and she said she had been with her best friend in our house and kissed her ex-boyfriend and claims that’s all she has done.

Present Day

She says she is deeply sorry/shameful and will do anything to make up for it, including quit the academy/sever any ties with anyone and everything with that hellhole which she has done as far as I know and she started a business with a goal to make enough money for me to not have to work offshore anymore. I don’t know if I am blind/dumb/right or wrong but I believe she is sincere but not 100%. We have been going to a marriage counselor since Jan 2011 and things are still a battle every moment of every day. I am currently offshore again for the first time since everything has happened. It has only been a week and I was naively hoping that my heart and mind would let me know by now if I am happier without being around her, but I don’t know because I cannot stop thinking about the pain when I think of her, of all the lies, the promises, and negative thoughts.

I do know that I don’t miss her like I used to when I previously went offshore. I also know that I miss my daughter more than ever, so I am capable of this feeling just not for my wife at this moment if ever. To be honest, when thinking about my wife it is negative 99.9% of the time and no matter how much I try to force myself to lie and say I love you or to just stop thinking negatively as our counselor suggests (repetition of this will make it happen if I understand him properly). I don’t mean it anymore and  I cannot stop the negative and hurtful thoughts about her actions towards my family and our future.

It has been a really hard week and I need someone to talk to or some advice. Thank you for listening and would love anything to help me think and feel better.
-Mike

Do you Think Your Spouse Is Cheating? Click Here to learn great ways how to catch them!

Dear Mike,

Thanks for taking the time to share your problem with me. This sounds like a very difficult situation and it’s probably even worse that you are off shore because I doubt you could ever trust your wife to ever be alone right now. There are no easy answers here, but I can tell you my thoughts on your situation.

Your wife has broken your trust and the very vows your marriage was built on. This isn’t something that can just be wished away by “repetition”. Trust takes time to rebuild and a broken heart takes time to heal. All the promises will not help as it is a process and everyone works through this differently. Perhaps formal separation would be a good idea at this point. You have given it your best to go to counseling and to work through this, but your heart just isn’t ready to forgive and trust her again and that’s ok. Just because someone who has hurt us says they’re sorry and even sincerely means it, we aren’t obligated to be in relationship with them, we are only required to forgive them or begin the process of forgiveness.

While you are separated, you can then have the space to work through this forgiveness and then ultimately decide if you want to continue your marriage with this woman. To me you are forcing yourself to work on something you have no desire too work on, you have to first have the desire if you ever expect to see things change. I think you need to give yourself permission to walk away and the space to fully come to grips with the situation and how this will impact your future.

In the meantime, spend heaps of time with your daughter, shower her with love and affection, and say nothing bad about your wife in front of her. Focus on your daughter and give your mind a rest from dealing with trying to work things out with your wife. You are free to walk away in my eyes and perhaps down the road you will feel differently, but right now you are allowed to be angry, hurt, and negative concerning your wife. Forcing yourself to feel otherwise will get you nowhere. Everything you’re feeling is totally normal and justified, you will work through this in time, but again give yourself the space and permission to work trough this stuff in the way that’s best for you and in your own time.

All the best Mike,

Ted