I’ve been overweight ever since I was 5 years old or so. I went through bullying during my whole school experience, and also my mom would never stop trying to make me lose weight using all kind of workout programs and not letting me eat the fattening stuff (She never tried anything unhealthy), but nothing worked. I’m 19 years old and still fat and my mom still gets mad at me if I eat a cookie.
I know she doesn’t care about my figure, she only want me to be healthy, because obesity is source of many diseases, I know that. But even when she wants me to be healthy, I still feel so much pressure from her about it. Between that and all of the bullying, and maybe some relatives going “you’ve gain even more weight”, “you’re too fat”, I feel like my whole life revolves around my weight. I’ve tried to lose weight, and I’ve been successful (I would lose a pound or two), but the process is so slow, I eventually get tired of it.
I’m the kind of lazy person who prefers to have the instantaneous pleasure of eating a cookie, than the pleasure that I might feel in the future if I eat healthier and exercise to get skinny (again I know health is more important than looks, but I’m 19, I’ve only had two boyfriends and they lasted less than two weeks, I’m a virgin, when my friends go to the beach I make up an excuse not to go because I’m insecure about my body, I’ve always wanted to be an actress but I’m scared to be on a stage and be made fun of…I feel like I’m wasting my youth and my life because I’m too scared to put myself out there, because I don’t want to be made fun of.
I care a lot about what people think of me and how they see me. I don’t want to be afraid anymore but I just don’t know how to control it. I’m always thinking about it, on how to avoid being on the spotlight, on how to hide. I’m shy in front of boys because I feel like they won’t notice me or think of me as a girlfriend potential because of my weight).
The problem with me is that I don’t know how to do it, I don’t know how to feel motivated, I don’t know how to stop being so lazy, because nothing inspires me enough to just stop eating junk food and start eating healthy, and start exercising. It’s like I don’t have strength of will. Like I already gave up. I don’t know how to get out of this situation of wanting something so bad but not being strong enough to pursue it. (Note: my weight is not a medical condition, is just I don’t eat properly and don’t exercise).
Another thing in my life I hate is the way my mother treats me in comparison to my brother. He is 11, and I know he is a kid and I am an adult, but it’s so obvious to me that she loves him more. She admires him. He deserves it, really. He is sweet and he is always smiling, I’m the opposite of that, I don’t go around doing drugs, or escaping from home or being a slut (which I can’t, because I’m fat, but I’m sure I wouldn’t be one if I was skinny), or smoking or anything. I stay at home and study, because I got to college (but in my country, you don’t live in the campus, it’s like school, you go in the morning and go back home after the classes are done), maybe have a coffee with my gay best friend on Friday, I’m a good daughter, I don’t give my mother the worries that other mothers have, but still, she only sees the bad things. She is so explosive when she’s around me or talking to me, anything I say or any face expression is enough to set her on fire. We always end up fighting over stupid stuff only because she has her way to see things and I have mine, and I’ll be honest about the fact that I’m also very reactive and every time she says something I don’t like or asks me to do something I get mad, because I hate receiving orders, especially from her.
Even though we fight all the time, I always do what she tells me to do, I take my brother to his tennis practice, I help her in the kitchen, I help her to do the dishes, I help her to keep the house clean… But still, even though I do all that and much more, and my brother never helps with anything (which is not fair because when I was his age I would help in the house), she treats him better and says: “I prefer him to do nothing but to be sweet, than someone that helps a lot but does it with an angry face”. That kills me every time. Is not fair! I do so much and won’t receive not even a “thanks” and my brother does nothing and is always treated better!
I know I’m not the most cheerful person and that I get mad easily, but I do so much in this house, I help mom with so much stuff (she is a single mother), I study so hard all the time, I don’t do bad stuff and don’t go out as much as my friends, but sometimes when I have to study and my mom needs me to do something, she gets mad at me and call me selfish for only caring about my studies, but really, how many moms can say “you only care about your studies” to their daughters? Not many! She is lucky to have a good girl as a daughter, but she only focus on my bad temper and on how I’m not as cheerful and sweet as my little brother, and based on that, even if she doesn’t admit it, she treats my brother better than me.
I’m constantly mad because of this favoritism towards my brother, I’m constantly mad because my mom is always asking me to do something in the house or as a favor and won’t ever call me to ask how I am, but to say “I need you to do this, and that”, I’m constantly mad because I don’t have the life I want, where I can be on the spotlight without being afraid of getting made fun of, I’m constantly mad because I’m so insecure, I’m constantly mad because I’ve never had a serious boyfriend even though I want to have a beautiful and breathtaking love story just like any other girl would like, I’m constantly mad because I can’t go out without thinking I look fat on this jeans, I’m constantly mad because my mom says she won’t buy me any clothes if a don’t lose weight, so I can’t go shopping like any daughter would do with their mom, I’m constantly mad because when I buy clothes with my savings I see something that I like and it won’t fit, I’m constantly mad because I look in the mirror and I don’t like what I see, I’m constantly mad because a listen to my friends saying they went to a party and a cute boy approached them but that doesn’t happen to me, I’m constantly mad because my mom won’t realize I’m a good daughter and she only sees me as the cranky girl that never wants to help (even though I’m always helping), I’m constantly mad because of so much stuff… I don’t feel in peace.
I need to just get this anger out of me, get this fear out of me, get this sadness out of me, get this disappointment out of me. I don’t want to carry with any of that any more, I want to be happy for god’s sake. I NEED TO BE HAPPY. I don’t want to feel like this all the time. I also want to find the strength to sacrifice a little bit by exercising and dieting to be as skinny as I want, to regain confidence. I need help. I just can’t take this anymore.
The reason I don’t want to go to a therapist or anything like that is because every time I start talking about this feeling I can’t stop crying, and I hate to cry in front of people, I feel weak and even stupid. But I just need help. PLEASE. HELP ME. PLEASE.
Thanks for sharing your story and situation. I can assure you that you’re not alone in feeling the way you do. Many girls struggle with their weight, body image and relationship with their mothers.
I would hope that somehow you can start channeling all this anger into making positive changes that will indeed transform your life and body. Some people with a lot of frustrations and anger find that running helps.
They release their anger while they are running. The physical pain of running eases the emotional pain of the anger and frustration, while the exercise releases endorphines which are feel good chemicals.
This may be a good way for you to kill two birds with one stone. Running also burns heaps of calories. Just start small maybe run for a little while and walk for a bit… Work up to the point where you can run at least a mile without stopping. Who know’s you might be running marathons in the future!
Also focus on your diet, instead of reaching for cookies, reach for a piece of fruit. Make small changes in the way you eat and the way you turn to food as an emotional support. When you are feeling frustrated go for that run instead of eating.
Only you can change your destiny. You just have to want it bad enough. We are all born into families that could be better and we all have things that we have to overcome. I believe that you can overcome and will overcome all of this and be the beautiful girl that you are.
Just take small steps at a time and focus on your good friendships and less on your family. I believe in you and I would love to hear about your progress.
Here are a lot of free weight loss tools to help you make the change.