I’m Single, Christian, and Lonely
I’m a single 35-year old. I’ve never felt pressure from anyone to find a spouse, but I just am aching deeply for marriage. Since 17 I have always been very active in my church and in my hobbies and I have an ever-deepening relationship with God.
Some feel my life must be lacking in some area because of my desire to marry. Like perhaps if I was truly seeking God, then my desire for a man wouldn’t be so strong or that I have self-esteem issues that cause me to want someone else’s affirmation. Sigh! these could be true, but they just further frustrate my situation. Isn’t it perfectly ok to strongly desire marriage or does that strong desire always point to some other issue? It was GOD who said it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone and He didn’t send Adam a co-worker or parent or brother or friend; He created for him a SPOUSE.
At this point, I am feeling very hopeless about the matter, as there hasn’t been any prospect for years. Everything that I used to enjoy has lost it’s flavor to this hope deferred. I am trying to pour myself out in other ways, or to even get filled up in other ways, but having prayed since 19 for a spouse, it’s beginning to weigh too heavily.
I don’t know if I would have been ready to marry at 19, I honestly feel I would have since all my peers where marrying and having children and we had a tightly-knit community of young couples who were constantly at the feet of older christian couples to learn wisdom and such. All of those who were married at that time are still in strong, successful, happy marriages 10-15 years later…so I do think I was ready.
I may come across as over-explaining or defensive, but only because I feel like I’ve heard everything and nothing’s been able to offer any hope whatsoever. I’m depressed. I’ve tried over and over again to just give the desire to the Lord, but I cannot deny, it’s still here.
-Monica
Dear Monica,
Thanks for taking the time to share your problem. This is a common problem within the walls of the church where often it’s even viewed as “noble” to live a single life. I think this attitude coupled with the notion that if we pray hard enough God will miraculously drop a spouse out of the sky for us is very unhealthy.
Also, there’s the whole half truth of “just seeking God first and everything else will be added to you!” It’s not that it isn’t true, but it has been very much taken out of context. God isn’t asking you to give him your desire for a spouse… He gave that desire to you in the first place! He made us to be in relationship with Him and most definitely others, not just relationship, but intimate relationship!
You are perfectly normal for wanting a lover and in fact you would be abnormal if you didn’t want one as it’s an innate part of being who God created you to be.
Now, what should you do about it? Quit praying and start putting yourself out there where you can find someone. God isn’t going to drop this man from the sky so join some online dating sites. Join some other clubs or organizations where you can rub shoulders with a larger pool of people. Maybe spend more time outside of the church as this type of environment can be too insular causing you to always see the same people.
Be proactive and give yourself permission to be so! Being single isn’t noble and you don’t get extra “God points” by suffering for Jesus. He wants you to experience the love He created so get out there and start looking for it. There is a guy out there for you and one that will be so lucky to have a great, godly woman such as yourself. I think God would want you to spend less time in service and more time living life to the full and experiencing the abundant life Jesus promised.. Being in love is part of that.
Never before has it been so easy to meet people and connect via the internet so take advantage of that, put yourself out there and find the love of your life!
All the best and God bless!
Ted
Filed Under: Ask a Counselor, Church, Marriage
About Us
This site offers Free Counseling, Christian Marriage Counseling, Divorce Help, Self Help Articles and Advice in order to help people achieve balance in their body, mind and spirit. Whether it be relationship difficulties, addiction, grief, abuse, depression, we're here to help.
Comments (8)
I dont know if you should tell someone to ‘quit praying” and the internet has a lot of weirdos…but i do agree she doesnt have to sit around for someone to fall in her lap
I just meant that some people use prayer as a crutch instead of listening to what God is saying or getting off their butt and doing things to make life happen..
thanks for your input
Son of a gun, this is so hlfpeul!
Remo….sarcasm does not become you, unless you let it. I likened Monica’s story to my own and Teds answer to an old freinds explanation of what God provides….He provides a Map only…. which we choose to travel on. Regardless of our choice, good or bad, He will be there.
Grant
I really liked this article. I’ve been struggling with the very same issue. And this article just kind of re-affirms a lot of things I thought, so thanks, Ted.
You’re welcome Pert
Im having the same struggles. I’m a Christian man , divorced and not having much luck meeting a woman who is serving god and attractive to me. It’s frustrating and i Wont settle or compromise for someone who doesn’t truly have god in her heart and life. The online dating thing hasn’t been too good for finding believers
Wow! What an uplifting article! I am in the same boat many of you are in. I am 27 and have been adamently searching for a wife since I was about 20. All of my friends are married (and unsupportive)when I reach out for help or advice. I get so sick of those cliche answers and people acting if something in my Christian walk is defective because I desire a mate. Jesus Christ IS and always will be my first love but that doesn’t mean I have to just BE content living the “single” life. However it is still a struggle as I have not had any luck finding anyone. Please pray for me!
Leave a reply