Ask a Counselor: I’m Verbally and Emotionally Abusive

Hi my name is Aaron and I’m 27. I am verbally and emotionally abusing my partner whom I’ve been with for 8 years.

It started about 2 years ago. I would always put her down about her clothes and ask her if she was seeing someone else. I would always check her phone to see what’s on there. Also I would argue with her when I saw her out with friends on a night out. I would call her horrible words and make her upset and ashamed.

I was so horrible, but I never knew I was doing it. I thought I was normal, but it was making her life hell everyday until 2 days ago when she wanted a talk she told me how she was feeling and what I was doing but I didn’t believe her then she showed me the signs of the verbal and emotional abuse and it was exactly what I was like. I broke down in tears and felt really ill. I couldn’t believe it and I am looking for guidance and help.

I want to change so bad for myself, but especially for my partner. I know I can do it with help. My partner said she is going to help me and stick by me to get me back on track please help me.

Thank-you,
Aaron

Dear Aaron,

Thanks so much for sharing your story and I really admire you for coming forward like this and admitting you need help. In fact, you have already completed the hardest step in getting help and that is realizing and admitting that you have a problem. Way to go!

I believe that you can change and I believe that things will be quite different for you and your partner in the near future. Now you have to learn a couple things. First, where is this controlling and abusive behavior coming from? Something in your childhood or family of origin perhaps? Once you figure out where you learned these beliefs on how to treat women, you then have to unlearn them. This is done by a lot of positive self-talk. Once those voices start in your head and are leading you down the road of anger and abuse, you have to begin speaking the truth to yourself. Such as saying internally “no, this is the person I love and I can trust her” “she deserves my love and respect” “I’m feeling this because _________________ happened when I was a kid and it’s not true” etc. Those of course are just examples, but the important thing to do is to learn how to talk yourself down and to not allow yourself to get worked up about irrational feelings in the first place.

This will be a process and it will take some time to retrain your brain and emotions, but in awhile you will begin to react normally to situations and be able to love your partner as she deserves to be loved. She sounds like a real special girl and worth fighting for.

Give this a try, but if you struggle, it may be helpful to see a counselor weekly so that they can help sort out your past and give you more strategies for changing your thinking patterns. I wish you all the best and again, I think it’s great that you want to change and you are a positive example for many other men struggling with the same problem.

Sincerely,

Ted

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