I’ll try to make this short — but there really is a lot involved. Most of which probably won’t get touched on here.
We have been married for 13 1/2 years, and I can probably count the number of times we’ve slept together on both hands. During the beginning of our marriage, sex was more frequent – maybe once every couple of months, but we have not had relations now in 8 years.
What’s worse yet, we have had no communication about it – at all. How did we get here? – i don’t know. We do not believe in divorce, but I question how do I stay. I’m tired of being rejected and basically stopped trying. Why bother? If I try to bring it up in conversation, he get’s defensive, shuts down, and won’t talk. I gave up on that too and how do you “just bring it up” again?
I don’t know what to do anymore and I feel like a maid or a roommate instead of a wife. I really want the marriage to work, but I didn’t sign up for this. I’m not looking for it every night, but 8 years without? I don’t think I’m being unreasonable.
We have both been faithful, I’m not worried about that. He is a good Christian man and we are good Christian people. We trust each other and everything else except these 2 issues seem to be going fine. He is very supportive, loving, and would do anything for me and my family. He’s a great guy!
Anyway, any advice would be helpful! Thanks so much.
-Diane
Dear Diane,
Thanks for sharing this very sensitive issue with me. There is a lot more to a marriage than just sex and it seems like you and your husband have a lot of the key ingredients for making marriage successful, however, sex is a part of the puzzle and without it, it certainly cries out that something is wrong somewhere.
You are not being unreasonable and you have a right to be sexually fulfilled in your marriage. I believe that your husband’s unwillingness to have sex is a form of abuse really and is very unloving of him. Furthermore, the fact that he wont even discuss it, really sends some red flags up to me.
Frankly, it is not normal for a guy to not have a sex drive, so either there is something wrong with him medically or perhaps he is secretly gay. Many gay men hide within the walls of Christianity because they don’t want to be gay and they set up marriages that are mostly sexless, but they know a good Christian wife won’t leave so they can continue the facade. I’m not saying this is the case with your husband, but it could be possible.
Either way, you do have the right to know what’s going on. I would suggest that you confront him with this ounce again, but don’t back down. Don’t be afraid to stir up the waters as this has went on far too long. You may also ask your husband to go to some type of marital counseling with you, but the bottom line is that you do deserve to be loved by your husband in every sense of the word.
I believe you are free to leave him if he is not willing to be honest concerning this area. In fact the Bible does speak about withholding sex from your partner and how that’s a wrong thing to do. You have to decide how badly you want the truth and a “whole” marriage. You can remain in this “room mate” situation or you can play hard ball. The choice of playing hard ball could be pretty rocky for a season, but hopefully the truth will be revealed and you and your husband can either work to fix it or you can be free to move on.
I pray the best for you and your situation. I commend you for not settling for a sexless marriage any longer and for taking the first steps to find some resolution.
Kind regards,
Ted
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