Love, Secret Abortions, and a Cheating Man

I don’t know how I found myself on this website or even why I’m writing on here. But I believe that I need to vent to someone that doesn’t know me or will judge me for my choices.

I’ve been in a relationship with my best friend for close to 5yrs. We’ve have been the best of friends since the before our relationship and I even knew before we started dating that he would be the one who I was going to marry. Religiously, I felt that God had put him into my life for a reason and I’m still revealing his purpose more and more everyday. As with every “in love” relationship on the surface, we look like two love birds who are ready to walk down the aisle any day. But unfortunately we have a long deep dark path that hardly anyone knows about.

My boyfriend, when we began dating, used to be a crazy on fire Christian. Soon after we started dating, he joined a touring band which kept our relationship on long-distance terms for 9 months, on and off, through out the first 3yrs of our relationship. Through out that time, we began to get sexually active. I regret to say that I’ve had 2 abortions through out our relationship. It put a lot of strain on our relationship, but we’ve learned to love, cope, and not dwell on the past.
BUT, little did I know that through out the time I was having abortions and my boyfriend was out on the road, he was being unfaithful to me. He never had sex, just did everything else with multiple different girls. I did not find out about his infidelity until he ended up leaving his band two years ago. It was a deal breaker, he had to choose either to make it work with me or stay in a band that could continue to ruin the person that God had made him to be…

We have ended up staying together, but I’ve lost a lot of respect from people and as well as relationships with old girlfriends over my decision. Yes, he may have cheated on me while I was having abortions, but I know that the person that he was at that time was not HIM! He is better and knew better and he needed to change. I stuck with him because I know that good side of who he can be and I wanted to be apart of his transformation into someone better, then man that I always wanted to marry….

Am I an idiot? Have me heads in the clouds? or Am I truly in love?

-Jeddie

Dear Jeddie,

Thanks for sharing your story and I don’t mind you venting. Sometimes I think “Christian relationships” can be a lot more complicated then they need to be. For starters, since you were taught not to have sex before marriage neither one of you were responsibly prepared with birth control because that would somehow premeditate sin.  Therefore a lot of heartache was inflicted because the sex resulted in pregnancy.

Secondly, the whole God has a plan and purpose BS. I believe He does have a plan but his plan involves you using the common sense that He gave you to see that when a guy cheats on you repeatedly that its probably best to walk away before you end up marrying a cheater. Also the fact that  your church community isn’t a place where you can openly share your failures and shortcomings is also sad and not what Jesus intended the church to be. Church should be a please free from judgment and full of love and support when we make mistakes. Sadly most churches are nothing like this.

There are no guarantees that he won’t cheat on you again nor that he won’t want to join another band to pursue his dreams and ambitions. Will you ever be able to trust him when he’s away from you? This just seems like an agonizing life with someone, to always be wondering in the back of your mind if your partner is cheating when he’s out of town.

My advice would be for you to both move on. You probably have a lot of emotional healing to do and this guy needs to learn who he is, and to understand why he was so unfaithful. If in the future time has proven that he’s changed and you still love him then perhaps look at getting back together, but as for now I think you both have some growing/healing to do.

Kindest regards,

Ted