My Boyfriend Would Rather Masturbate Than Have Sex With Me

By | July 25, 2011

I’m in a dilemma, I have been with the same man for about two years now this is the second longest relationship I have had and the most serious one ever. About six months ago things were a bit shaky, my mother had just moved cross country and I was raising my son alone, at least I felt alone, she was my rock, but I still had my boyfriend, (which is not the father of my child) which seemed to never support me emotionally so I never really opened up to him and expressed how sad I was that the last person I had in my family was now miles and miles away.

He would spend most of his time on the computer and always seemed so distant from me. I started going out for a girls night every week or every other and ended up meeting a man which ultimately ended up with me being unfaithful to my other half. It ended up crushing me and eating me alive so I ended up telling him and he was crushed. We still after all that ended up trying to move past it, because I told him we both are not perfect and I was weak but he is the only one I want to spend my life with and the only one I want.

Now to get into the issue deeper. We have had sexual problems for about half of our relationship especially since the incident, but still a bit before it, it’s not that its not good, but we never had enough. (I’m 23 and he is 28) after a year we just stopped having it as often and maybe that was one of the reasons I choice to be unfaithful, especially since it hurt me that it’s not like he was stopping just with me, he chose to do it himself instead of come to me. Now a days we fight at least twice a week, sometimes we have weeks were we go without fighting but I feel the communication is almost gone and it’s slowly drifting even farther away.

Also instead of just not voicing his needs and doing it himself he chooses to denie me intercourse but we still end up doing it at least twice a week but I find that he is constantly doing it himself at least twice a day???? Any advice on what I can do or any advice on him doing this so much and denying me? I am lost.

Dear Amy,

Thanks for asking your question and sharing your situation. I think there’s definitely some things going on here. First of all, for many guys masturbation is like breathing. It’s just what they do and even if he did come to you every time he wanted sex, you would probably get quite tired of it. Guys on average think of sex every 9 minutes.

However, I think this issue might be a little overboard because of your unfaithfulness. There probably are some trust issues and anger still under the surface so if doesn’t feel sexually attracted to you most of the time, it’s probably just easier to masturbate than to work himself up to a place where he can focus on you sexually and not what you have done to him.

It sounds like you and your boyfriend aren’t very good at communicating either. I think you should really go to a counselor and talk about all this stuff. We can speculate on the reasons for his behavior and the problems in your relationship, but you can only know for sure by communicating with him and getting everything out in the open.

Communicating isn’t arguing, but listening and reflecting one what each other is saying and trying to understand each other’s point of view. It’s usually helpful for couples to have a non-biased third party as part of this process as it helps teach the couple how to be effective communicators.

Kindest regards,

Ted

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