My Friend Blew Up At Me

I had a friend and neighbor, or at least I thought she was a friend who recently blew up at me. I first became friends with her a few years ago when she lost her husband.

Now.. I am the type of person that will help anyone with anything and expect nothing in return. I helped (when asked) my friend work her garden, move furniture, cut limbs from her trees, run errands, and also looked after her house for the past year when she went away. Basically, I helped whenever she asked and did it with an open, giving heart. She would go away about every 6 weeks for about a month (She remarried and her husband lives in another area so she goes often to see him).

I asked nothing in return but did it as a friend and Christian. My other friends thought she was using me and said I was too loyal to her when I would defend her. Don’t get me wrong, we did some really fun things together as well, like shopping and going out to eat or maybe just having coffee. I went to pick her up the other day for another shopping trip which she suggested. She asked me if I would take some lumber from her garage and put it in mine because she was trying to de-clutter. When I told her my own garage was so full of clutter I could hardly move in it, (which she knew because she saw it for herself) she lost it. She got really angry and totally blew up at me saying I stressed her out and although she valued my friendship, she would “See me around sometime”.

Even at the last moment I suggested we try to fit the lumber in my car hoping to smooth things over and her only reaction was “I think you better leave”.  I didn’t get mad or anything, but just said ok and left. This is the first time I have ever said no to her. Now, she had given me a key to her house a year ago and always said her house was my house. She now has someone else looking after the house. I always kept a spare car and house key at her house, at her suggestion, which I wanted to get. I knew she was away for 5 weeks so I took a neighbor and friend who is a police officer with me because I didn’t want to be accused of doing something wrong, considering her frame of mind when I saw her last.

Anyway how surprised was I when I found out she changed the locks to her house. I was so hurt because I have shown her nothing but kindness. I can’t believe this happened and don’t understand why she has turned on me all of a sudden. I feel heart broken. Considering she just lives up the street, I don’t know how I am going to face her when I run into her. I will treat her respectfully and still with kindness, but I am so torn apart by her actions. I don’t feel I will ever be able to approach her to talk about the way she treated me so that is totally out of the question. I have already decided to not allow her back into my life, but I guess I feel like I am grieving the loss of a someone who I thought was a true friend. How do I heal and lessen the pain I am feeling. Sorry if this is long, but I feel so sad and need some direction to heal. Thanks.

-Sheba

Dear Sheba,

Thanks for taking the time to write to me about your situation. It sure is painful when relationships disintegrate especially when it feels as though there is nothing that we can do about it.

I would guess that there was a lot more going on under the surface with your friend that you weren’t aware of. She obviously was frustrated at you about something other than the wood. Probably something that she has been fuming about for a while and which finally blew up over a trivial event.

Would you be able to talk to her at some point and try to find out what offended her? I think you have a very mature attitude about the whole thing especially the way you plan to still treat her with respect and kindness even though she has been unkind to you. This is the attitude of Christ and it’s nice to see.

If you choose not to be in relationship with her, that is your choice, but perhaps if the friendship meant so much to you, you could try to talk to her one last time when she returns. By then maybe she will have had time to think about things and the wrong way she has treated you. If you can work things out, great, but you also have to be prepared to move on. This is a tough thing to do, but I suggest that you focus on the great friends you have in your life and try not to focus too much on this neighbor. Spend a lot of time with these friends and look at this situation as a chance to strengthen some other friendships more.

I’m sorry that this had to happen, but continue to pray for this friend and treat her with love and respect. You truly are a great example for other Christians to follow.

All the best,

Ted