I have been married to my husband for 28 years. We dated for two years before we married. We’ve had a good marriage. We have two wonderful children. We survived the birth and death of a third child. We’ve survived the death of both of my parents and the death of his mother. We’ve watch acquaintances cheat and divorce with shock and disappointment. At least, from my point of view. This is my reality.
Nine years ago our son started dating. The mother of his first girlfriend quickly became my closest friend. Our children dated for several years and during that time my husband also became a friend of the mother. About the time our children broke up, I realized that my husband was having an affair with my son’s girlfriend’s mother – my best friend. I confronted him but he denied everything. I also confronted her but she, too, denied everything. I cut off this friendship and my husband seemed fine with everything. I almost believed that I was mistaken.
Last spring I bought my husband a new computer. In the process of setting up the machine for him (a few days after the purchase) this woman’s name popped up in the search line. Long story short – I gathered the appropriate evidence (there was plenty!), hired a lawyer, and confronted my husband. This time he confirmed the affair – it had been going on for about four years with a break after I confronted them the first time.
Here’s where I am. My husband has begged me to stay with him. He says he loves me and only me. He says the affair was just about the sex. I am still with him. We’ve been to some counseling but I didn’t see that it was helping him or our relationship. I’ve had counseling by myself. It helps for awhile but it doesn’t take long for me to get back to doubting our relationship and my love for my husband.
It has been eight months. When (if ever) will I know that I should stay with my husband or divorce him. I also question whether or not I love him. Or, is this just a comfortable routine? I appreciate any thoughts or suggestions that you might have.
We are both Christian, however, we no longer go to our church – the church we have attended for over 12 years. The other women and her family continues to attend this church and I just can’t face that. (Our former pastor knows of the affair but our new pastor does not). We’ve found a wonderful new church. By the way, I don’t think that many people in our small community know about the affair. I, personally, have only shared this with one close friend.
Thanks for sharing what is a very difficult situation with me. I think the ball is totally in your court and neither decision is right or wrong. You’re husband broke his marriage vow to you and you are free to walk away from the marriage without guilt. This may be best for your mental state as well as for everyone involved, but you will have to determine that.
Deciding to stay with him could be fine but only if you can get past his infidelity and dishonesty. If not you will have a very miserable existence living with someone that you essentially despise. Also, as a Christian I’m sure you are concerned with forgiveness and I think forgiveness is a separate issue from continuing relationship. You can forgive your husband but you are not required to continue the relationship with him especially if you think he will do it again. In all honesty, from my point of view, he will probably do it again. Because it was more than just a one time thing but 4 years of cheating, it’s probably in his blood. Some guys develop almost an addiction to the thrill of sneaking around and the “forbidden” sex. I think in time, he’ll start to want that thrill again as it has been no ingrained in his mind.
I’m sure the thought of being on your own after so many years of being married is scary, but you have to do what’s best and your kids deserve a mom that is happy , well adjusted, and full of life, not one that’s sad, hurt, miserable, and angry. Perhaps if you want your life back, you will have to walk away and start over. This is a tough decision but I’m sure what ever you decide will workout for the best.