I am here to try to save my marriage. I love my husband very much, but he has trust issues. His first wife cheated on him and the second betrayed his trust in other ways, and he thinks she cheated also, so now he has trouble trusting me. This is my 2nd marriage, my first husband cheated on me. My now husband is nothing like most men. I see that he is very caring, generous and truly loves me. He always wants the best for me.
The problem is that when he goes away from the home he is constantly worrying if I have another male in the house. I have had 3 jobs since we have been married and had to quit all 3 because he was afraid that I was cheating with a co-worker. I don’t know how to give him the confidence in me. He keeps saying that he wants a guarantee from me, but doesn’t know what it could be. I don’t believe in cheating. I am monogamous. He is the only thing I want and I believe that we have a truly special bonding with each other. I believe that we can have one of the “fairy tale” marriages, that is to say, that we can be truly happy with each other, and only have each other, not be cheating or flirting with anyone else, for the rest of our lives.
This is our only issue and there are times when he wants to divorce because he doesn’t know how to get passed it. We have bad cell service at our house and this is the only phones we have for now. If I don’t answer my phone when he has his break or when he gets off of work, he automatically thinks I have a male in the house. Even though he knows our service is bad, that is where his mind automatically takes him and it starts a fight. After my divorce I stayed single for six years, not even going out on a date. Then I met my husband and he is the only one I’ve had any relationship with but he heard rumors about me at the place where we worked and he can’t get passed those. None of them were true. They were spread because people didn’t want us to get together.
I keep trying to get him to close the door on the past and move on so we can enjoy our present and future, but I just don’t know how to get him to do it. Please help me.
Thanks for your question. Trust is such an important thing in a marriage and without it things become stressful and crazy as you can attest to.
This has absolutely nothing to do with you, but everything to do with your husband’s insecurities. You have been allowing him to play his games and manipulate you, when you have done nothing wrong. I think you really need to stand up for yourself here and not let him treat you this way anymore. It’s really disrespectful to you, that he has judged you as well as your character when you have done nothing to deserve his suspicions or accusations.
Spouses are not to control each other and relationships where control is demanded usually will disintegrate. Tell your husband that you will no longer allow him to manipulate or control you. You are free to get a job and live a normal life. His fits and manipulation aren’t going to work anymore. That also, He needs to see a counselor so he can work through his trust issues and it’s not your responsibility to manage his insecurities and irrational behavior.
Now of course tell him this in a loving way, but make sure that he understands that his behavior is a form of disrespect and is not treating you in a loving way. I know this will be tough, but I find people only get away with bad behavior towards us as long as we allow them to. Once they discover that their manipulation no longer works, then they will start to approach the situation in a different way.
All the best,