My Husband Goes Out Too Much

My husband & I are high school sweethearts. We got married at age 18 because I got pregnant with our son. Despite the odds, we have stayed together and have 2 wonderful children. This year, we will be celebrating our 20 year anniversary.

My husband is a wonderful person and I love him deeply and would never divorce him. However, the one issue that continues to plague our relationship is that he spends what I think is an excessive amount of time with his friends. He works at his high school alma mater and regularly attends the school’s sports games and events which he says are “part of his job.”

The problem is that after these events he goes out with his friends and stays out until midnight during the week and until 2 or 3am on the weekends. This happens at least twice a week. To make matters worse, he is usually drinking while he’s out and still drives himself home. It always ends in the same old argument: I’m upset because he’s kept me up worrying about him on a work night or he’s left me stranded on the weekends.

He ends up apologizing and saying he won’t stay out that late again next time but this has been going on for 20 years now. It’s not that I mind him having time with his friends. In fact, part of me believes he deserves it since we got married so young and he didn’t really get to enjoy the single life. It’s not that I don’t trust him, I just feel like its time for him to grow up and become more responsible.

I don’t know many men in healthy, happy, Christian marriages that go out to the extent that he does. The worst part is he knows how much it bothers me and he still continues to choose his friends over me. He says he loves me more than anything, but unfortunately, his actions in this recurring situation don’t really support that. We’ve had this fight so many times that I’m really at my wit’s end.

I realize that I’m not getting through to him but I don’t know what else to do. My friends have suggested that I just make my own plans and stop worrying about him or trying to control what he does. I feel like I already have a healthy social life, a demanding job, plus I’m getting my MBA. Needless to say, I have enough “independence” in my life. On the weekends, I just want us to spend our free time together or with our 14 year old daughter.

Again, I wouldn’t mind if he attended the games even on the weekends as long as we did something together afterwards. He always says I’m welcome to go along with him and the guys but I really don’t want to do that every weekend, especially since I’m the only girl there and all they do is talk about the same old stuff. I should also mention that the guys he goes out with are either single, have no kids, or are in failing marriages.

The husbands of our happily married friends only go out occasionally. That’s what I wish he would do. I really don’t know what else to do to get my point across to him and I would love to get some advice. Also, please let me know if I’m just being over-controlling or unreasonable. I want him to have a life outside of us, I just don’t want it to be more important to him than our relationship or my feelings.

-Alli