I have been married for almost 10 years to my husband. Over the last 18 months I have become aware of him having online cybersex with women and registering with online singles chat rooms etc. I have also found emails that were sent between him and a woman that we know with video clips and photo’s of himself that shouldn’t be shared with others. I confronted him about that and he apologized and promised nothing further happened and that it was a stupid mistake that he made. From what I understand he doesn’t have any contact with her anymore.
It all started with cybersex on yoville (facebook) and I have found that he has some of these woman as yahoo messenger contacts etc now too. I thought all was going better but I have just found out that he has subscribed to 2 (there could be more I don’t know) singles sites and he wants to meet women for cybersex. He has many different email accounts etc & I feel that he has them to keep me from finding out about the rubbish he is involved with (this is just my opinion).
I feel so insecure in my relationship with him now and don’t really know what to do. We are Pentecostal Christians and involved in our local church so am embarrassed to speak to our pastor about this as I don’t want to make my husband look bad in our church but I feel that what he is doing is wrong and its making me not trust him anymore. Am I being paranoid? I don’t want to become the jealous, in your face kind of wife, but I find that I am becoming so suspicious of everything he does and whether he is lying to me or not. I never ever thought he would be like this or that we would find marriage in this situation.
I am not a confrontational person so find it difficult to say how I feel about all this to his face. What should I do? Can you give me some pointers? How can I help him and be a good Godly wife? Please help me!
Thank you for your time,
Thanks for sharing your situation with me and it must be incredibly difficult for you as a wife to deal with the you husband seeking cybersex with other women as well as the reality that a Christian marriage isn’t the story book ideal many in the church are often led to believe. Based on what you shared I have a few words of advice.
First of all there is no excuse for your husbands behavior, but to me it speaks of a bigger problem between you and your husband. For some reason your husband is seeking intimacy and sexual excitement through cybersex, when he should be finding that with you. Now based on my experience growing up in a Pentecostal Church I can testify that most of the couples I knew had terrible sex lives. Sex is so villainized by that denomination that it’s members especially the women can be quite prudish when it comes to sex and many are so sexually repressed they are some of the biggest consumers of porn. In fact hotels love when Pentecostal type conventions are in town because they make thousands on the pay per view porn in the hotel rooms. I don’t know what your sex life is like, but because he is looking for sexual fulfillment elsewhere leads me to believe that this could be an issue.
I’m not saying that this is your fault at all, but I am saying that sex in all it’s expressions can be freely enjoyed between a husband and a wife and God has created this to be so. You’re husband and you need to communicate about your sex life and what is good about it and what is lacking. I fully believe that your husband’s cybersex addiction wouldn’t be an issue at all if the excitement he gets from it was found in your bedroom. Again, I could be way off base here, but I think you possibly could be a victim of poor/inaccurate teaching and indoctrination concerning the sex and not understanding how to have a happy, exciting sex life in your marriage.
Secondly, the secrecy that exists in the church is so destructive. There are probably so many other couples in your church that are dealing with all kinds of sexual issues, but no one talks about it. Instead everyone wants to appear as “great Christians who have “great marriages”. This is seldom the case. People are broken and marriage and life are tough. We need a community where we can honestly bear each others burdens and share are struggles with one another. Churches were never meant to be full of perfect people, but people who are loving and accepting of each other no matter what they are going through. Does this sound like your church? Probably not.
Also you may need to stop seeing this as confrontational and perhaps stop approaching your husband’s cybersex issue in that manner. Instead this needs to be approached and seen as a way to open the lines of communication between you and your husband and use this issue as a springboard to transform your marriage into one that will fulfill and satisfy both of you at the deepest levels emotionally, sexually, and even spiritually as I believe learning to truly love and communicate that to others is the most important spiritual act we have before us.
All the best,