My Husband is Impotent

By | October 12, 2010

I have been with my husband for nearly 20 years. I am 45 and he is 65.The first 10 years were good sexually, but it started to tail off after that. He now cant even get an erection and wont even try.

He did go to the doctor about 3 years ago and got viagra, which worked quite well. However now he hasn’t bought it as he says its too expensive. I have tried to talk about the problem, but he says he cant help having this problem. I have left internet sites on for him to look at, to give some insight as to how its effecting our marriage as he uses the pc every morning. He pretends he hasn’t seen them.

I have even took my wedding rings off and told him I would now be sleeping in the spare room, he has not even made a comment about this. He says he loves me and doesn’t want me to leave, but his actions don’t seem to match this, please help as I  don’t know what to do next.

Many thanks,


Dear Karen,

Thanks for sharing this very intimate situation with me. It sounds like you are somewhat at a crossroads here.

Based on what your telling me, it sounds like your husband isn’t interested in having sex. If he knows that he can get viagra and it will give him an erection but refuses to, he probably has libido issues. This could be caused by several things, but a doctor could test his testosterone levels to see if there’s a medical cause.

While sex is important to a relationship there are also other things to consider. Does he treat you well? Does he love and respect you? Does he help and listen to you? If the other parts of your marriage are good than you may want to handle the lack of sex in other ways.

There are many ways for you to fulfill your sexual desires. Have you thought of getting some toys to help stimulate yourself sexually? There is nothing wrong with masturbation and in fact, it’s quite healthy. Get to know your own body and don’t be afraid to pleasure yourself. Invite your husband to be part of the process.

Many women find this to be even better than sexual intercourse as the penis doesn’t always adequately stimulate the many erogenous zones a woman can have. Use this as a time to explore new things and not as a time to abstain from sex just because your husband isn’t interested for whatever reason.

All you can do is encourage him to have sex, but at the end of the day, it’s his body and his decision, but this doesn’t mean you can’t have a great sex life pleasuring yourself. Perhaps this will also ignite some spark in him.  On the other hand, if your husband treats you bad and doesn’t have sex with you, I would tell you to leave him and find someone that will satisfy you in all aspects.

All the best,


7 thoughts on “My Husband is Impotent

  1. Goinnuts

    Seriously… Ted? just pleasure herself. That doesn’t work. I’ve done everything and I’m climbing the walls I’m so sexually frustrated. I’m only 37 and I’m not ready to give up my sex life. I’m open, caring, attentive, and willing to try anything with him and I feel like I’m sleeping with a gay roomate. He just watches tv and ignores me. I’m contemplating an affair. I miss intimacy, passion, feeling wanted, and feeling sexy. A dildo doesn’t replace that.

  2. admin

    I never said a dildo replaces intimacy, but I told her if everything else is good with the relationship but if her husband is impotent then that’s something to consider. In your case perhaps your husband is gay as he gives you nothing. Why would you have an affair instead of just leaving him if he isn’t willing to work on this?

  3. hadi

    i have the same case as above with one of my female friend.. this happened to him and now she is confused what to do.. also they are muslim and divorce and all that is really a serious matter and after divorce many dont accept the women in culture which is bad.. very less people are who accept but that’s a risk.. any suggestions for her.

  4. Freebie

    Are you sure you’re not married to my husband? He’s 65, I’m 63. We haven’t really haven’t had sex in years. The last two times I tried he couldn’t get it up. Since we married 36 years ago, he hasn’t been interested in sex. I was always the one who initated sex. We started sleeping in separate rooms a few years ago. He won’t discuss this me at all. In all other respects he’s a good husband and still very attractive, as am I, so I just put up with it and masturbate.

  5. Joe

    I am 56 years old and i’m inpotent. My wife and i talk about it a been to the doctor and have tried levita and it helps,but because i’m disabled i can’t afford it.I’m more sex stong then my wife,but she say’s she really need it to be hard for her.But i’m not able. She can do oral for me but it still don’t help me to get it up.I don’t believe she would be unfaithful to me,but i worry all the time about it. We love each other unconditionally and i don’t know what to do to help her. It’s not that i’m concerned about me as if to help her.Can you give me some advise. Thanks

  6. admin

    Hi Joe, that’s a tough one and I’m sorry. It’s so nice you love each other so much. Have you thought about using some toys to satisfy your wife? They can be very pleasurable and very intimate when used in a loving relationship. It might be a good way to spice things up and satisfy your wife at the same time. 🙂

  7. DeeGirl

    Take a lover… or two or three! Discuss it with your husband first, but make it clear that you need more than he is giving you. He will probably surprise you with his willingness – perhaps even eagerness – for you to start “dating” again. And, believe me, the sex will be the best you have ever had! DeeGirl

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