My life is full of fears, jealousy, and worry all the time every day! I have been married for 20 yrs. to a man who loves having women friends although he has never really had a women friend because I won’t let him. He is a licensed massage therapist who has been doing massage trades with another therapist for 10 yrs. The problem is when he gets a massage he is naked and not covered up and when he gives her one he is naked giving her one and she is too.He massages everything! He is not attracted to her but his obsession with being nude is driving me crazy!
He loves going with me and my friend to soak in hot tubs nude and I have never liked being nude so I have just gone along with it. I am fearful he will leave me, fearful he will cheat on me and jealous if he wants to bring anyone along with us on dates we have. Most recently we are planning our anniversary trip and he feels like its his obligation to offer to anyone if they want to go with us. He doesn’t see anything wrong with this. He said what does it matter if a family member rides along with us on our train trip. We will be around other strangers anyways so why not invite someone with us.
You see we have never been on a trip alone, ever! We have always gone on trips with our kids or his family. Finally we have the chance to go on a trip just the 2 of us and he wants someone to go with us. Does he hate me or have a fear of being alone with me? He says I’m boring and why would he want to travel with me when we could have friends or someone go with us. I’m tired and I just want him to love me for who I am. I have a hard time listening too, I’m sure I have ADHD but have never been diagnosed. I don’t like talking to him cause he always yells at me for putting in my input. So I’ve learned to stay quiet and not talk when he is talking.
He doesn’t listen to my feelings anyways, every time we do something it has to be his way or he won’t do it. I have shut down over the years and this is why I am jealous. I just don’t care about him anymore. I want to love him without being jealous if he even talks to another woman. He’s never given me any indication he would leave other than if I don’t change, he says why would he want to stay with me. I also don’t really like people all that much,I have a fear of doing things with friends cause they always disappoint me in the end. I just want to be normal and have a healthy, happy relationship with my husband, is this possible? Should I get on medication? Please help!!
Thanks for sharing your situation. It sounds like you and your husband have some issues to work through if you’re going to stay together. Your situation is a bit complex at least to address in this format, but I can give you a few suggestions.
I see your situation as a combination of two things. First many of your problems seem to stem from your low self-esteem and insecurities. I believe you can never be truly happy with a partner if you aren’t happy with yourself. It really sounds like you don’t like yourself very much. A good place to start would be to get some counseling for yourself and get to the root of your poor self-esteem and insecurities.
Secondly, your husband needs to respect your marriage a little more. There’s nothing essentially wrong with being nude, but nude massaging seems a bit over the top. That is something you and him should be engaging in, not him and some other woman. He should respect you enough and abstain from such behavior if you’re not ok with it. Probably going to some couple’s counseling would be of benefit for you all because it seems like your marriage is falling apart. It troubles me that he doesn’t want to spend any alone time with you, but this could also be due to you being so quiet and afraid to be yourself.
I don’t think you need medication, but definitely some counseling would help so you can understand yourself better and so you and your husband can communicate better about how you both feel and about what you want and need out of your marriage.