Most of it started when I was 10.5 yrs old. My mom started drinking, I didn’t think much of it, until she started verbally and emotionally abusing me and my sister. Saying things like “You don’t believe in Jesus you stupid bxtch.”, “You don’t love me!”, “Stupid cxnt!”, “Eat shxt and die!”, etc. That is also when my mom started complaining about my dad. She never liked him only staying with him for my siblings, specifically my half brother. (the favorite.)

The day before my 11th birthday, my mother got really drunk and had a hangover on my birthday, therefore yelling at me for being lazy all day. I have been called a bxtch uncountable times. a stupid cxnt twice. I told her I didn’t like her drinking and I got this HUGE lecture over it, made fun of, and all this other stuff. To hide my sadness from myself, I turned into this weird hyper happy girl that I’m not sure I even know, I just act like her in front of everyone at church.

In late October I found out my mom is cheating on my dad via facebook. It really messes with my head. Cheating as in dirty chats and what not. November, I started talking to Katlin, my BEST friend. I told her everything, she knows about all of this. After I turned 12 they (my mom and stepdad) stopped going to church. Everything continued going down hill, in January I started cutting myself, I cut and cut and cut, then I lost my blade, Everytime I find it I cut and cut and cut for every little thing.

February, I began drinking sometimes, I don’t get drunk or anything, I just kinda take sips for the hell of it. I have almost always wanted them to get a divorce, they never got along. I have been as of recently been having esteem issues. I feel I am annoying and ugly. I hate who I am.

In April my mom found out by reading my emails after she had a fight with dad she came to sleep in my room, so I said I was gonna go get a snack but actually I went to chat with my best friend to ask for advice on my email and I had previously tried contacting a online counselor and I kept the email in my secret files, so I went to get back in bed and mom said she was gonna go check her email, I apparently forgot to log out. She read all my emails including the one to the counselor. It said that I knew she was cheating, suspected my dad on drugs and I cut myself, with more detail but I am not retyping it, so she read it then tried to talk with me and she shut my dads door when she came to yell at me about it, but my dad got back up and they started to fight again. She didn’t mention the email because dad would ask to read it and she would get caught.

So I fell asleep and she woke me up after the fight was over and questioned me, I sat there lying my @ss off. “I only cut once on my leg.”, etc. She said she didn’t believe me. but blew it off, all she cared about was the fact I told everything to this online counselor and my best friend. The next week she hits me. Over spilled makeup. Stupid right? I think she is bi polar. The verbal and emotional abuse continues, she hasn’t hit me since, but she still pulls me and my sisters hair. On April 20th. (more commonly known as 420) I also but 2 and 2 together and figured out, the only reason my mom stayed with my biological father was for drugs. She was addicted to weed, I’m a weed baby. She didn’t do weed while pregnant with me at least. But that makes me feel AWESOME about myself. real confidence boost there. and now for what happened most recently, I found my razor two days ago, It seems everything gets worse when I have it in my possession.

My mom *drank* tonight so I tried to brace myself for verbal abuse. Sadly, I couldn’t do it in time. And tonight, my sister lost my camera at church, & It was apparently my fault. So she called me a stupid cxnt. It was repeating in my head over and over again.
Stupid ****.
Stupid ****.

So I cut. Worst time of the year for me to cut too. Summer 2010 begins in only a week. I want help I want to get help without my parents knowing.