My Mom’s an Alcoholic and Abusive

Where do I start. I’m 17 years old and I’ll be 18 this month. I have a mother who is an alcoholic and she has had a terrible childhood full of sexual abuse at a young age.

Her mother doesn’t care about her past or anything. My mom recently had a bad relationship which caused her to drink more and feel worse than before the relationship. My mom stopped drinking and smoking and during the relationship but she started back drinking now.

She is so argumentative with me and she calls me names and disrespects me verbally. I put up with it because I know everything she has been through.  She throws it in my face that I have life so good and I shouldn’t be complaining about anything. I know this and we are a poor family, I don’t ask for anything because I know we don’t have the money for it. My grades have dropped drastically due to issues at home and I used to be a A and B student.

I don’t know whats happening and then my mother kept telling me she was going to kill herself, she can’t do that because she is all I have. I have no other family and my dad died when I was 4 by a drunk driver. I have no one in this world and I love her with all my heart. I never want her to do something crazy and I told her to see a counselor and she said she has and they don’t work, but tells her things she doesn’t already know. My mom threatened to kill me before but she just says it is to make me get my act together, but still it hurts for her to say things like that.

Sometimes I think she is jealous of how good my life is compared to hers when she was my age. I don’t have anyone to talk to in my life and I want someone to tell this to and answer me and support me. I know that no one can change our situation but I at least need someone to listen to me as no one understands me at all. I need a friend.

-Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Thanks for sharing your story with me and my heart really goes out to you. I hate the fact that kids like yourself have to deal with all of this during a time of life that should be fun and carefree except for the “normal teenage dramas”.

Unfortunately, you have been born into an abusive cycle and it looks like you will be the one that has to break it. if not you will treat your future children in an abusive way as well. I think you seem like a bright, switched on young lady and I think you will break this cycle and even be able to help your mom in the process.

You are in a good spot because you are just about to turn 18 and this means freedom from you. You can move out, go off to school, more or less, live your own life. I know you love your mom and leaving her house doesn’t change that. It would just be healthier for you to get out of there as soon as you can. When you move out of your mom’s house, your friends will become your family. This is great because although we can’t choose our parents we can choose our friends.

You can’t save your mom or change her and she will only change when she wants to. This isn’t your burden to carry and you have to focus on yourself during this time of your life. You’re mom has stolen enough of your childhood and it’s time you put a stop to it by no longer letting her have that power or control over you.

I would encourage you to go to counseling concerning this issue. Perhaps you could talk to your school counselor once a week for awhile or at least until school finishes. I think you’ll find that life will send you many people that will be there for you and that will be like family to you. You are putting so much energy into your relationship with your mother that you have nothing left to develop those deep relationships with others. It’s time to switch your focus and energies from your alcoholic mother and instead on building deep and solid adult friendships.

All the best,

Ted