Ask a Counselor: My Two Grown Sons are Holding a Grudge

Long story short , my eldest son came for a visit from out of town about three weeks ago. Needless to say, he has a drinking problem and he went on the “attack”, verbally toward my husband who has been unable to find work as a chaplain. The day he left he also attacked me verbally. I believe him to have a lot of forgiveness toward me about my 2nd marriage to his step dad who abused all of us.

-Penny

Dear Penny,

Thanks for writing and I understand how difficult families can be at times. It definitely sounds like your son has some unresolved issues regarding you and possibly your second marriage, perhaps your younger son was also hurt by this situation.

To be quite honest, If you willingly kept your children in an abusive situation at the hands of this step father, then you have to understand that this probably greatly hurt your relationship with them. As a mother your job was to protect them. The fact that you you knew they were being abused and didn’t leave after the first “attack” showed them that you loved this monster more than you loved them and cared about this man more than them.

I’m sure you feel awful about this and I’m sure you have begged your sons for forgiveness, but these things take time to heal and I would hope that things can eventually be great between you all, but they might never be. Perhaps you three could go see a counselor together for a few sessions in order to get all their feelings and hurts out in the open? Maybe it can be a pastor or someone you all mutually respect, but it would be good to get all this out in the open.

Now the hard part will be for you to sit there and hear what they have to say, because no doubt it will be things you probably don’t want to hear. Don’t defend yourself in regards to the second marriage because there is no reasonable defense. Just listen, let them speak from their hearts and then ask them to forgive you and continue to love your boys. This will be difficult, but if you want healing to take place, the wounds will have to be opened.

This could even be the a step in the right direction for your son to give up drinking. He could be using alcohol to cover his pain. In any event, keep praying about this and have others pray for the situation and hopefully your boys will be open to getting together and talking with some type of mediator. I pray the best for you and your family and I do believe that God is a God of restoration so keep believing for that.

Kindest Regards,

Ted