My Wife Doesn’t Trust Me For No Reason
I have been married for 5 months now, but dated my wife for 6 years. We both kept ourselves completely pure before marriage, and though I struggled with pornography in middle school and early high school before I met her, I never had any problems through college or in Grad school.
Now that we’re married, she is not trusting me at all. I have given her no reason to distrust, and she will even admit that I have given her no reason. She just cites, “Well, too many good people have the problem.” It wouldn’t be such a big deal, except that now, if she goes to bed, I have to go with her, even if I have a big research project.
I can’t sit at my desk in my office, but have to sit in bed while she sleeps which is a huge inconvenience as I typically end up just sacrificing my project and sleeping.
I have no idea why she feels this way. It may be because her own mother had an affair on her dad, and there was other cheating going on in her family, but my family has never had the problem, and I have never given her reason to distrust.
Please help me to understand: 1. Why this is a problem? 2. If I’m the only one experiencing this? and 3. How to fix it?
Thanks!
-Alex
Dear Alex
You’re wife is obviously dealing with some irrational fears. There is no sane reason for her to act this way unless she has caught you looking at pornography or chatting with other women.
Right now she isn’t being very loving to you. She’s controlling and manipulating you and that isn’t what marriage is all about. I think as a man, you really need to stand up for yourself and not let her control you with her irrational fears.
Tell her that she needs to seek some professional help to fix whatever is wrong. You can’t fix it, only she can. You also can’t keep enabling her to behave this way and treat you this way.
Sometimes this type of behavior actually drives guys to cheat! I know you love your wife and I’m sure you all will get through this, but just make sure that it’s worked through in a way that you keep your dignity, respect and integrity. She has no right to question your integrity if you’ve done nothing wrong.
Maybe you could go to counseling together and it usually does nothing but make couples stronger.
All the best,
Ted
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Comments (2)
Dear Alex,
I dealt with extreme jealousy toward my husband before we were married, so I went to see a counselor and it turned out being more about the fact that I had a bad self image and that my father had cheated on my mother causing her to paint a wrong picture of men in my mind.
My husband also struggled with pornography in high school, but got help before we even met. I never thought about that so it wasn’t what caused my jealousy.
I hope that you & your wife will be open for help individually and as a couple.
Alex,
My wife is doing the same thing to me. We’ve been married for four and a half years and she is pregnant with our second baby. The first baby came after she threatened to leave me because she “wasn’t sure of my commitment” to her. This was because a buddy of mine from high school came into town. She doesn’t maintain friendships outside her own family so she doesn’t understand my desire to remain friends with people I no longer live near.
After we had our kid she began accusing me of cheating on her. These accusations have included random strangers, but more notably her cousin, who is actually closer to a sister for her. I’ve been forbidden to speak to her and my wife even gets upset when she texts me. I’ve asked my wife what she wants me to do and she says “do nothing”. I’ve done this and things only get worse.
A significant part of my job requires me to travel away from home. I am now limiting my career potential because I have made a commitment to be home every night. It makes no difference, though, as now she’s begun accusing me of “sharing secrets” about her. Due to this I am “not permitted” to send more than five texts per day and I am “allowed” only one phone call to any non work related person.
I’ve done this and also ended Facebook. However, this hasn’t worked. She’s still finding things to be upset about and she demands to read my text messages.
In the past she’s been cheated on. Her sister cheated on her husband, her Dad’s second marriage was to her Mom and he cheated on her when my wife was young. He got remarried and cheated on his third wife with my wife’s mother. They got remarried, again, and are now getting divorced.
All the trouble for us spiked the day after she found out her parents were divorcing again but she somehow believes the two situations are not connected.
My parents have been married for 35 years and neither I, nor my sister, who is also married, have ever cheated on anyone. In fact, I have a large extended family with over sixty people and there have only been two divorces over the last thirty years.
Alex, I guess what I’m telling you is that things will only get worse. I see where you are now and it’s not good. She has significant trust issues that may not end. In fact, they may get worse. What I have learned is that no matter how far you lower your own dignity, a person as controlling as our spouses are will only seek greater power.
I feel as if I’m stuck, now, because of my daughter and my baby, who will be born in August. I’m trying to decide what to do. Should I leave now or stick it out a bit longer? I feel like my wife is going to end it eventually but I don’t want to be the guy that leaves his wife while she’s pregnant.
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