Ask a Counselor: My Wife is Abusive and Sexually Frigid

By | July 16, 2010

my-wife-is-abusive-and-sexually-frigidI will try to make this as short as possible but to the point. My wife and I are both Christians. We have been married 16 years. She was a virgin when we married and STILL is today, 16+ years later. Yes, you read that correct, we have never had sex.

My wife is also very verbally abusive, all the classic signs, I never do anything right, name calling, everything is my fault, etc. and she does not think there is anything wrong with her, it is all me.

I guess I have stayed this long because for most of our marriage we were in church leadership and I did not want to be seen as a hypocrite, as I am not a fan of divorce and did not want to set a “bad” example.

We have been out of leadership for about 3 years and I’m at the point of leaving. When confronted she may be a little better for a couple of weeks, but then goes to back to her old ways.

She has no desire for me sexually, anything sexual has always been her being pleased. In fact she has stated numerous times, touching me in a sexual way is DISGUSTING. Her idea of counseling is that I go – because I need help. So what to do?


Dear Brett

First, I would like to thank you for taking the time and having the courage to ask your question. It is not easy for men to admit they are being abused let alone the complex nature of your problem due to the sexual issues.

It troubles me when Christians feel they must hold on to the “letter of the law” and stay in unhealthy relationships because of either the pressure from within or from the church. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming you here, but I would say you are a victim of a religious system that uses shame and guilt to manipulate behavior. This is not the gospel, the gospel brings freedom and Christ’s grace is sufficient for all our mistakes, even the mistake of marrying the wrong person.

In fact, many would argue that you aren’t truly married to this women because you have never consummated your marriage. The Bible says the “two will become one flesh”, however, this has not happened in your marriage, you are still to separate people living together more or less as room mates, but in your case the room mate is a nasty one from the sounds of it.

Your wife obviously has some deep unresolved issues regarding sex and repressed anger towards men. I would guess that she was sexually abused at some point in her childhood.  At the end of the day, you will have to decide whether or not you love this women enough to walk beside her as she addresses these issues of abusive anger and sexual frigidity.

However, it sounds like she isn’t ready to admit or address these issues, so you may have to leave her in order for the light to come on.  The bottom line here is you are free to stay or leave. If you leave, she gets help, and learns how to overcome her past which allows you to reconcile, then great, but if you want to leave and move on with your life apart from her then you are free to do that as well.

Christ came to set you free from bondage not demand that you stay in an unhealthy/destructive relationship which is the epitome of bondage. I wish you well and I know that you will make the right decision that will be the best for all parties in the long run. Feel free to ask anything else in the comments below and please give us an update if you feel led.

For further reading check out this book, A Natural Cure for Female Sexual Dysfunction.

5 thoughts on “Ask a Counselor: My Wife is Abusive and Sexually Frigid

  1. Tigger

    can I just say that’s really well considered and sound advice and has left me feeling Fresh.

  2. JustThink4Once

    Find a mistress. It works for a lot of church leaders, and that way everyone is happy.
    If your wife doesn’t want sex with you, how could she possibly object if someone else does?

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