Our Kids Have Been Damaged By Our Arguing

I really need some answers and maybe also some encouragement and for sure prayer in the following- we are a christian couple in christian service for many years. We moved a lot and also had times of severe financial hardships- during these times – whenever we became very stressed we used to have horrible verbal arguments and fights in front of our children.We swore at one another at times and called each other names and acted very much unchristian like .

We always made up again and said we were sorry and said sorry to our children afterwards, BUT this was going on for many years and we were so self-centered that we paid no attention to our children and the hurt and trauma it caused in them when we were fighting. We actually saw it was hurting them, but just did not stop fighting! We love one another a lot and also showed our love for one another in front of our kids, but once a month or once every two months we had these horrible arguments for many years.

Our oldest child is now 17 and showing the following and we think it’s a result of the traumatic events he had to go through for so many years. He is nervous, has a hard time falling asleep at night, is sometimes aggressive, is bullying his younger siblings at times, can sometimes not show any feelings of joy or sadness , is disrespectful towards us at times, etc. At other times he is acting very normal and loving- he is a very sensitive child, but we were so insensitive to his feelings over the years and just kept on fighting in front of him.

We can also see the negative results of our fighting on our other children in one way or another. God showed us how sinful and wrong we were all those years and how self centered. But what do we do now? How do we get our children healed from these traumatizing fights? What can we do as parents to help them to get over this and how can we send them into the world as normal adults who will be able to handle conflict? Is there any hope of them ever get healed??Is there still time to give them a positive, loving home experience or will they be messed up by this for the rest of their lives?We are really sorry about this and wish we could set the time back and start all over again.

-Mary

Dear Mary,

Thanks for taking the time to share your situation and this is certainly an issue a lot of families deal with. I know my parents fought an awful lot and it did leave me with baggage to work through.

I think the sooner you start to help your kids deal with the trauma the better. My parents never even cared so I had to go to counseling about it when I was in my early twenties, but it really made a huge difference.

I think you as a family should go to family therapy. The therapist will be able help your kids work through the negative feelings and irrational beliefs that all your fighting potentially caused them. Usually the therapist will meet with the whole family and also take time to talk with each kid individually. There could be some other things going on with your 17 year old besides dealing with your fighting. This therapist will be able to assess that as well.

The good news is that there is help and healing available. God is a God of restoration, but He rarely  just snaps his fingers and makes it all better. Instead He expects us to use the resources He’s provided in order to learn from our experiences and produce more character in our lives. This whole situation can be turned from something negative to something that will produce better character in all of your lives and bring you much closer as a family.

I think that it’s great that you and your husband want to change and will take the steps necessary to help your family heal from the mistakes made.

Kindest regards,

Ted