Ask a Counselor: Past Domestic Violence is Destroying my New Relationship

I was a victim of domestic violence for 10 years where I was beaten regularly and lost all control of my life.

After so many unsuccessful attempts me and my two girls finally got out. I managed to secure accommodation, but the abuse continued and in the end we ended up fleeing. It has been a very hard two years with so many obstacles in the way. Only now do I believe it was all worth it.

I have now met a really decent guy, but I’m having so much difficulty dealing with this relationship. Me and my children love him and he is so good to us, but I keep testing and pushing him to the limits. I can’t trust him and he hasn’t given me any reasons not to. I start stupid arguments, get offended over the most stupid things, and he just walks away which I find hard because I then feel he doesn’t care enough to argue. It  then follows with me sending him the most nastiest texts.

The things I’ve said to him are appalling and I so hate myself. I’m pushing him away, but I want him here for the rest of my life. Why am I being like this?

-Mel

Dear Mel,

First off, let me say how good it is to hear the story of a women who took back the power over her life and broke free from abuse. You are truly a positive example for other women who are in the midst of domestic violence.

Based on what you’ve shared, I would guess that the problems you are experiencing in your new relationship are stemming from a couple of things. First, as you know, you endured years of abuse which no doubt damaged your psyche. People who have endured that many years living in traumatic environments often need to do some deep inner work to completely rebuild how they view themselves and others.

I’m not aware if you’ve received any profession counseling since leaving, but I would highly recommend it. You obviously have some irrational beliefs rooted in your mind that are preventing you from functioning in a healthy way within this new relationship. You may be actually sabotaging this new relationship, because you believe you don’t deserve good things in your life, so your subconscious more or less could be causing you to act irrationally to this guy in your life.

I would advise you to find someone that will help you sort out these irrational beliefs and hopefully heal the damage the years of abuse caused so that you may be able to enjoy a happy, functioning relationship with this new guy in your life. Please feel free to ask anything else in the comments below and I wish you all the best. Again I commend you for helping to end domestic violence.

Sincerely,

Ted