Sex With My Husband Feels Dirty and Disgusting

I have never been interested in the area of sex as a young girl. I always just thought I was too shy and prude and never thought it would come into my marriage. When I got married my first experience of sex was not pleasant, being a virgin, it was painful and felt disgusting.

We tried lots of times to help us both enjoy it but for some reason I never could. We ended up talking to some older friends and we thought this would help, but still on trying I have never had any enjoyment out of it, as much as I tried to get into it and let go. I still see it as dirty, or unpleasant and I am not sure if its a mind thing or something wrong physically or both.

I am at my wits end as to what to do as I want to please my husband in this way, but if I were to make the decision on this I would happily never have sex again. That’s how bad it is. It especially dropped out when we had our first child as I definitely wasn’t interested from day 1 to a year on now. Please advise, if you can.

-Gem

Dear Gem,

Thanks for sharing this very sensitive situation with us and this isn’t as uncommon as you think.

In cases like yours, most have developed an unhealthy attitude or view in regards to sex. This usually results from some dysfunction in the home as the child was growing. For instance, if your mom always talked about sex as dirty and shameful, then the child will often have the same view. Also if the child never witnessed any close intimate behavior between his/her mother and father then this also can create intimacy problems for the child as an adult. Sometimes sexual abuse inflicted on the child can cause him or her to have a faulty attitude towards sex.

I’m not sure what your childhood situation was like but if you begin exploring this, I’m sure you’ll discover the root of this attitude. A counselor could help you uncover this if you are having problems getting to the root of the false perceptions in regards to sex.

Once you figure these faulty beliefs out, you need to work to undue them. Remember all sex starts in the mind so you’ll have to teach yourself that sex is a natural, beautiful thing and it’s not dirty or disgusting. You also have to know your own body and what feels good as well as how you like to be touched. I would suggest that you first get a vibrator and begin touching yourself to find out what you like and what feels good.

When you start to feel more comfortable with your sexual feelings and thoughts you could then invite your husband and teach him how to touch you in a way that feels good. Many men don’t really know what women like and the only way your husband will know is by you teaching him. Just take this issue one small step at a time as it will take some time to retrain your brain to see the beauty and joy of sex.

Just keep communication open with your husband and know that many women who have been in your shoes are now able to have healthy and fun sex lives with their partners so there is hope if you’re willing to work on this issue.

Also for further reading check out this book, A Natural Cure for Female Sex Dysfunction.

Kindest regards,

Ted