Sexually Abused and Acting Out Sexually

I am a 23 year old female.. When I was about eleven years old my cousin (girl) and I used to play sex games as children..
we would fondle with each others body..now when I go back and think of it, I feel very guilty for indulging in such things..

I am straight and do not have any lesbian feelings. My cousin does not like talking to me very much from the beginning, but I don’t understand why I did something like that then, though now I know it is ethically wrong..

Previous to this when I was about ten years old my other cousin who is a guy used to indulge me in foreplay
and he’s at least eight or ten years older than me. I probably learned all this from him, but I never liked what he would do to me.
It felt very uncomfortable and he would ask me not to tell anybody what he did to me.

Now I’m so overcome by guilt and  I fear my female cousin will tell her parents about this and it will certainly not be received well in the family. Please help!  I cannot afford to tell any of my parents either!

-P

Dear P,

Thanks for sharing this very personal story with me. First off, I think you’re a bit confused as to what happened to you concerning your older cousin.

This was sexual abuse. He was older than you, in a position of power, and you were too young to consent. He violated you and took advantage of you. You were right about the fact that this is probably why you experimented with your cousin. While some sexual curiosity is normal for kids, the situation with your cousin sounds directly related.

Now the tough part, as an abuse survivor myself, I can tell you the only way to regain the power and end the guilt and fear is to talk about it and end the secrecy. While this sounds scary, it is a very freeing thing to do. I would start by talking to your cousin. Explain to her what your older cousin did to you and then apologize for your part in what happened between you and her.

Next you should tell you parents. The only way to break cycles of abuse is to bring it to light. Your cousin could still be abusing other girls or other cousins of yours.. He needs to be stopped and if none of his victims speak up, he will continue to hurt people. I’m sure your parents will understand and will help you. It wasn’t your fault and you are not guilty!

In addition to this and maybe even prior to this, perhaps you should talk to other abuse survivors as they can be a big help and support for people who are just coming to terms with the sexual abuse they have suffered.  Here’s a good resource called aftersilance.org.

I wish you all the best and I encourage you to speak out and take a stand against sexual abuse.

Ted