My Parents Don’t Approve of my Black Boyfriend

By | October 26, 2010

I’ve have never been in this kind of situation before and I feel like dying. My family is everything to me, I have always been very close to them and they have always supported me with everything. However, they’re very old school and the fact that they’re from a different country from here makes it harder for them to see life differently or at least how i see it.


6 months ago I started talking to this guy, we were both in high school back then. I am now a freshman in college, I have good grades and I work. My boyfriend is mixed half white half black and that is exactly the reason my parents don’t approve of him. I did a good job hiding my relationship for about 5 months until my mom found out about him.

They both made me promise not to ever see or talk to him again and even made me sign a paper saying so. The only reason they don’t like him is because of his color and our different backgrounds. They do not have any other reasons because they have not even given me a chance to tell them about him. I wrote my mom a letter trying to tell him some more about him but she didn’t pay much attention to it. They say they’re ashamed of me and who I have chosen to be with.


Even though I told my parents I would stop talking to him I didn’t stop. I have never felt like this before, I’ve had other guys who have asked me out but I’ve never gave them a chance mostly because I’ve been afraid of my parents, but with this guy i just couldn’t stay away from. He does have a reputation of going around too much and partying but the months I have been with him he has been amazing. He is actually the jealous type and he doesn’t really like it much if im talking to some random guy, which I don’t. Im not the type of girl who goes around and talks to other guys when Im in a relationship. He has been hurt before and his ex girlfriend before me cheated on him and he has been hurt but i would never hurt him like that.


I still kept talking to him even after I said I wouldn’t and just yesterday my dad saw us together and he was driving my car picking me up from work. When I got home my dad was furious and he said that I have to choose between him or my family. My dad said he’ll move with my mom and brother therefore I would end up being alone. No car no nothing just $1000 I have in the bank. My boyfriend said he would help me as much as possible if I choose to be with him. He said I can move in with him and transfer to his school. However he also said that if I have to let him go to be with and keep my family it will hurt but he understands which broke my heart.

I love my family to death, we’ve always been so close and I can’t imagine anyone better as my mom or dad but I love my boyfriend too. He makes me feel so amazing and he’s always so great. He had me meet his family the first time I went out with him and he really is serious about our relationship. He even has plans for the future even though I understand its early. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m torn apart because I love both so much and I don’t know what to do. Please help, I would appreciate any kind of advice!

-Laura

Dear Laura,

Thanks for sharing your situation with me. Yes that is a tough choice, but there are a few issues here to consider.

If this guy is of good character and your parents are prejudice of him because he is black, then I think you need to take a stand against this form of hate and discrimination that exists in society. Your family needs to be confronted with their racism and if you back down, they may never resolve this flaw within themselves.

We have to stand against hatred and bigotry if we ever want to see this world change to see all people treated with the dignity and respect they deserve. I know this is your family we’re talking about, but it doesn’t justify their behavior. They are trying to control you and you are an adult, free to make your own choices with your life.

I think that they will back down once they realize you love this guy and are not going to be manipulated by them. I’m sure they love you and don’t want to lose you so in time they’ll probably come around. Just be the bigger person and keep the doors of communication open even during the rough patch.

So the lessons to learn here are to always stand up for what you believe in and people who are being mistreated as well as never let anyone manipulate or control you. I know you’ll do the right thing and your family will learn how to be better people through your example.

All the best!

Ted

22 thoughts on “My Parents Don’t Approve of my Black Boyfriend

  1. Arvind

    Hi Laura,

    This is not difficult situation. At your age, emotions play more role than judgement. If he is going to be your partner for life, you have to be very careful. Wrong decisions in life can create hell. Put him to some basic tests like not meeting him frequently, not agreeing to everything he demands
    etc. How does he act when he is under stress ? There will be a lot of stress in married life unfortunately. He (and you too)must look after the spouse and family.Parents though from another country have great experience of life (good and bad). They use their judgement usually and are not carried away by emotions.
    Remember weak people carry emotions.
    Take care
    Arvind

  2. j

    Hi Laura,

    I am a 28 years old and much similar to your situation my family has not spoken with me for about two years now since I have told them my boyfriend is black. It has been very difficult and only recently my mother has begun speaking with me. I still get upset by my families reaction, as my boyfriend is a great guy and there is no reason to not like him. They have never given him a chance and refuse to meet him. At the end of the day it wasn’t about whether or not I felt this relationship was worth losing my family over, it was about standing up for what I believe in and not accept the racist ways of my parents. Even if this relationship doesn’t work out I will know I have stayed true to who i am. I hope this helps and makes your choice a little easier..
    -J

  3. Dominique

    Ted, Thank you for you advice me and my girlfriend have the same exact problem Laura. My girlfriends family are Russian and im an African American. The times have changed and people need to understand that.

  4. Paige

    Iv been seeing a guy names Malcolm, Hes mixed. My parents dont aprove of me being white with a colored boyfriend. Malcolm is really special to me, He tells me all teh time that im special to him also. My Sister had already disapointed my parents by this before, And I tell them all the time “Ill never be like her..” Now that im with Malcolm, I dont know how to tell my parents. How do i announce that hes mixed? How will they take it? I need Help! How can I get their approval? I dont want my relationship with Malcolm to end.

  5. Lina

    i was looking online and i see that others are also suffering from this problem. My boyfriend is black, and i love him to death for who he is. When i look at him i dont even see race, i see a person. My mom is old fashioned, and she is very minipulative and controlling. If she doesnt like something she will make sure she gets her way. She takes control by making you feel bad or taking things away. Unfortunatly, she caused us to break up because of the stress and pressure. But since the break-up i was never the same without him. I didnt want to date anybody else, i didnt even want to talk to other guys. She also said if i was to ever have a mixed child with him she would never come in contact with my child or me… very frustrating when someone wants what they want to make them happy and not what may make their child happy. Hes a wonderful guy and he makes me happy. The hate is terrible, some people you cant stand your ground against. Family is there for you through thick and thin, and supports ur decisions wether they like it or not. If your parents do what mine are doing to me… then there not family like at all. Just someone who raised you to try to be a hateful person due to there own problems.

  6. Licey

    I am in the same situation as Laura. In my case my parent’s (dad) has threatening me that he will kill my boyfriend. He really scares me. I feel that if I ever decide to move in with my boyfriend, he would do anything to separete us. He tries to manipulated me. He at times follows me to work, school every where I go. I really dont feel safe. He even checks the miles I run in my car. I am so trully tired of this situation that I times I just want to end my life. Maybe that will be the only way I will make them realize that they are wrong. I am a quite reserve I really dont show my emotions, but at this moment I really need help and I don’t know what to do. Please someone give me an advice. :'(….

  7. Keyes

    Hey this sounds like my situation but 10 years ago!! my parents did the same and even had me sign a contract. I think ur parents wouldnt have too much control if you werent so young and more independent. cause i was 21 when i married and my parents were still helping me cause i was in undergrad. there is no reason to rush things or even move in. I think you can continue to see him and just keep it honest with your parents. if you rush and move in with him and marry him right now then it will be alot worse with your parents. post ur email and i will email u if you want advice! trust me ive been through it and then some.. i was the first in my family to date or marry out of our race so i had no one to turn too. id love to help out. god bless us with love, all we can do with it is share it!

  8. brenna

    i get how it is… it sucks and all this advice is great and everything, but it doesnt really apply to my life. my dad stepped out when i was a baby and my step dad left when i was 11. now that my mom remarried she has BECOME racist and my dad is hard core. i cant even date someone who has dated someone not white. so now that my bf and i are in love i told my parents about him and my dad wont even listen to me about anything. he says “you need to break up with that little black boy” and it hurts because every time they point out that hes black i say “yeah and im white” beauty isnt skin deep thats what they always tell me until someone isnt white. my parents are so strict. they blocked all types of communication at home. they took my phone, facebook, email, everything. i still use my friends phones and stuff and he says he doesnt care because he loves me but…. i if we ever have kids i dont want them to be without a family like i was.

  9. Yer Lee

    Hey guys, I loved hearing all of your stories. I just told my parents about my mixed (black and white) boyfriend and they totally freaked about it. I told them two nights ago and yesterday morning i went through a three hour lecture. It was terrible. My dad said so many uneccessary things like I had the brains of a pig and if I was a smart Hmong girl then I would marry a Hmong man. And now my mom is going around telling everyone I want to marry a black man. Although, my only purpose was to tell them that i was dating him. it’s been two years and I am now 19 years old. Sneaking around is for teenagers and I was tired of it. They needed to know, whether or not they agreed. Ironically, my dad made me sign a contract too. i was so pissed and sad and just crying that i didnt read it and just signed.part of the contract said i’d pay them back everything they used to raise me from birth. i was so scared but then my boyfriend and friends reassured me that the “contract” wasnt legal unless it gets notarized. Thank God. but basically im disowned. I know itll be hard, but i believe that if it’s what i believe is right then i should follow through with it. i know they’re waiting for me to fold. I know my boyfriend and I arent for sure and maybe wont last, but if we do break up, I want it to be for the right reasons. Not bc my parents want to preserve the Hmong ppl or bc i need to date more men before marriage (which i wasnt asking for). Im a little worried about the future, but living in fear is the worst way to live. I will be happy. i just hope my parents will come around and realize that he makes me happy.

  10. Fareena

    Iam the same suitation and i am sick and tired of it. my boyfriend is mixed he is half black half asian. we started dating in high school. we dated half of our junior year all senior year. my parents did not know about it because i was so afraid to tell anyone about it.my mom hates my boyfriend because he is half black. they never mentioned anything about him being asian. my family came form another country they are old schooled and old fashioned . my father does not say much to me he just go with the flow. last year summer my family found out that i was dating a black and asian guy and they freaked out about it. they told me that i dont have good choice in mens and how im really stupid for dating a guy who is not my race. they stated yealling at me and i was grounded for the longest time. i dont smoke, drink and i dont hang out with friends, i have never hang out with none of my friends and i couldn’t have any of my friends come over to my house. i was so tired of my family i had to moved out. when i turned 18 i moved out of my parents house and went to live with my boyfriend family. his family took me as their daughter. my boyfriend mom had passed away when we was dating in high schooland i could not leave him because he needed me that time in his life. i lived with my boyfriend for six months and everything was going good until we left and went off to college. we went to a college 3 hrs away from home. my boyfriend had a scholoship to play football at this college called Icc. but things did not worked out as we planned. we did not stay in the dorm because we wanted to be together. and we did not find any apartments to stay at we were staying in a hotel. my boyfriend had to quit football to get a job to pay the rent and i was looking for a job too.the rent was too high we could not afford to pay it. so we both decided to quit college and come and live with his dad. three weeks after we came back we were looking for jobs . my sister came to me one and said that i need to break up with my boyfriend and come home and be with my parents because she is leaving the country and going to live with her husband. her husband cheatd on her right after they got married and she was putting her problems on me saying that my boyfriend will cheat on me too.i listend to her and came back to my parents house . i regeted so much. my mom told me that im dead for her and that im not her daughter. my whole family was laughing at me saying that im dumb and stupid.my boyfriend was so tired of everything. he shot himself in the chest and was in the hospital. i did not visit him because i live with my parents and i cant have any contact with him. but now he is out of the hospital and doing great. he is a loving and caring guy, he never did anything to hurt me and he put up with my family bullshit for 1 year and 6 months now. he just got a new job and a new apartment. and i got a job so we both are woking good paying jobs. he want me to move in with him but i dont know what to. he is so in love with me he bought me a car.and by me living at my parents house dont do any good for me my mom dosent want me to have a cell phone. event though i have a job. she dosent want me go anywhere besides work. cant talk to friends and my mom dosent want me to go to college. i am very confused and i really need some advice.. someone please help me..

  11. Arika

    I am in the same situation. I have a wonderful boyfriend of 7 months who is black. I have been with so many douche bags and assholes, that I finally found someone who respects and takes care of me. I have lied to my mother about previous relationships because I know she wouldn’t approve of them. When I finally became honest about my boyfriend to her, she blew up. Both my parents were born from different countries. My mother is Filipino and my father is Armenian. My mother is hiding this from my father knowing about my black boyfriend. I feel like my mother is hypocritical because she married someone out of her race.
    My mother repeatedly makes racist comments and tells me how much she is disappointed and embarrassed of me. She wants me to take down any pictures of him and I on Facebook or tell anyone about the relationship because she is embarrassed about what people would think of me. My boyfriend is not who she perceives him as, he’s also in college, working, and taking care of himself. She refuses to meet him and is afraid if my father finds out how he will react. My friends and coworkers all love my boyfriend and they’re so happy for me. I am now a junior in college and I work part time. It’s hard to see my boyfriend because I have to sneak and lie to my mother in order to see him. My friends have to constantly cover for me so I can be able to see him.
    I’ve met my boyfriend’s family, and it’s hard when my family wants nothing to do with him. The only thing they disapprove about is his color, it’s difficult when this is the only reason they don’t like about him. And I’m so happy to finally find a guy who is so loving, generous, and everything I ever want. I wish to be closer with my mother and tell her about things and ask her questions, but I can’t. I’m closer to my friends and coworkers than my own mother because they all approve of my boyfriend and love him.
    I want my mother to realize how much of a hypocrite she is, and seeing that I am happy and with someone who makes me happy and treats me like a queen is all that matters. I understand for her it was difficult when she and my father were married because they were very different from eachother. But she should know that I am making my own decisions and that I wouldn’t make a stupid one if I knew a guy was treating me wrong. We fight all the time and she constantly wants me to break up with my friend, but I refuse not to because there is no one else like him. I’m happy that my boyfriend is still sticking around after all the hardships with my mother and sneaking to see him. However, I feel bad that he’s not having a normal relationship with someone.
    If anyone is in the same situation as me, please contact me, I would greatly appreciate it!

  12. b

    This is for Fareena,
    You and your boyfriend have been through so much together, I feel you shouldn’t give up now.There’s a place for honoring one’s parents,but you owe it to yourself to live your life. Decide what is good for you and do it,the choices you make today will stare you in the face tomorrow. Your mom shouldn’t b contlolling your life,as long as your bf is responsible and you want a college education,pls go for it. Pls don’t cave in to your mother’s attempts to manipulate you.b

  13. Monteco

    I’m mixed and me and a special girl (white) were talking, the first time we talked, we were on the phone for over 3 hours, ive known her since the 6th grade but we hadnt EVER said more than a few words to each other. Shes the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen and the nicest person I’ve ever met.

    After long calls every night and texting all day, she told me she really liked me and feelings had grown, i felt the same. then we REALLY started talking. Then one day she said her mom found out and was putting her down calling me racial names and what not. But we rebelled and it lasted for a few months

    Then they hacked her facebook and blocked me, took her phone, and ipod and told her not to speak to me again at school because they had teachers (racist) watching us. We talked anyway of course.

    So i got tired of seeing her eyes fill up with tears every morning when she got dropped off. After school, I went to speak to her mom who is a TEACHER at the middle school amazingly. As soon as she saw me she called the school police officer and i almost got arrested.

    A few days later i found out i was moving, now I have moved to a different county and havent had contact for 2 months. And in the next week I might possibly be moving back…what do i say if i should say anything?

  14. Murf

    Leave her white ass alone Monteco. Don’t even think about talking to her. Her parents are right. If she respects their values and morales, then she wouldn’t date you. Just because society is changing, doesn’t mean that people need to change their values and morales they were raised with. People are too damn soft now-a-days. Stick to your kind.

  15. Murf

    To all the white girls here, you need to drop your dead beat blacks. Really, you are now socially unacceptable and you are tainted and ruined by the black man. you can never date a white man again. They don’t want you back after you’ve dated a black.

  16. courtney

    Im the same way. Ny current boyfriend used to be ny bestfriend for 2 1/2 years. Nowwe have decided to start dating. Before we started i told my mom and dad that i like him and they didnt really know wat to say. My dad didnt reslly like it because he is a bit racist and my mom thought we sould remain as friends.but we decided to start dating. Now i thought that wat my boyfriend did before he asked me out was very mature. He txted my mom and asked her would it be okay if he asked me to be his girlfriend. She told him that she thinks it would be best if we stayed friends but he explained to her that him and i both wanted to be more. Somy moms knows we date but my dad ns my older brother do not. And i 4have no clue how to tell them but since my mom knows she is now supporting me and has ny back so that takes off a small amount of the pressure. How should i tell my dad?

  17. Serenity

    Murf, people are people white or black it is ignorant people like you that make our word crap keep your white supremesist ass out of places where people need constructive advice and comfort. No… What you said was not constructive it was hateful. You are a coward like my racist step father. If you were a real man you would not have to fear the unknown. And not all black men or women are dead beat blacks just like in any race culture and creed there are good and bad people and I can tell you now the black man I love is GOOD he has treated me so much better than any white man ever has! Stop being afraid of black guys and grow a pair and be a real man. That’s what your afraid of right that your white women will never be sexually pleased by you after a black man lol. You are an ignorant piece of shhhh. Good luck with your self hatred even our fight against racism isn’t half the battle you must have with yourself when you look at your “white ass” in the mirror.

  18. courtney

    Serenity: you are so right and he deserves every word he just got. He just scared that the white women wont want him anymore. And my boyfriend treats me better than any white guy ive every dated.

  19. John Doe

    Sad story of a fallen Country (America) I am losing all hope that we will survive. It causes me to get a feeling that I dont like and that feeling is RAGE!!!!!!!! Makes the hair on my neck stand up…. Snookie, Kardashians etc etc etc, tribes survivor ImMadAsHell with this $hit….. I feel your pain. If one of my daughters came home with a black child I would leave out the back door and get a hotel until she left. Bottom line I AM DEAD AGAINST mixing races

    GOOD 4 Your Parents at least someone in your household has sense

  20. admin

    If America is “fallen” as you put it, it’s from bigots and haters like you John Doe. Why don’t you let some love in your heart, it will do wonders.

  21. Problems Evident

    Laura,

    Your boyfriend is exhibiting early signs that he’s controlling and abusive. You’re avoiding your family and their advice and accepting that it’s only about his skin, when they’ve probably picked up on this. Why do I say this?

    He’s the jealous type. He gets jealous when you talk to another guy, any guy. He’s going to start to want to know where you are all the time, who you’re with. He’ll start to isolate you from your family and friends, which he’s already doing.

    Eventually he’ll start to hit you, or your escape will be when he impregnates you and then refuses to help you take care of the baby, leaving you a single mother of a child that will forever taint your future relationships.

    You are not old enough to have found ‘the one’ nor are you old enough to be ready for them even if you had. He’s not old enough either. This is a doomed relationship, you’re better off exiting now.

    Of course, if you think you can fight the 72% of black children with unwed mother’s statistic, you go ahead. Good luck to you.

    Unfortunately, I think you’re on the fast track to be either one of the women dead by an abusive SO statistic or one of those women who have a black child and no husband/father to help you care for them.

    That’s not racism, it’s reality.

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