Dear Bria,

Great question. Yes, you are young and unfortunately being on the selfish side is a characteristic of a guy your age, but there are things you can do to “set up” as you put it.

I think you need to spend some time getting to know yourself. You need to understand why you react to things a certain way, or why you feel the need to yell at your wife at all. All of these things can be pinpointed to something in your up bringing or in your view of yourself and the world.

I would recommend that you see a counselor both individually and then as a couple. The counselor will be able to help you work through any baggage you may have brought into the relationship and give you ways to let it go. The more you understand and love yourself, the more you will be able to understand and love your wife. Also, be sure to let your wife in. Allow her to know what you struggle with, allow her to know your fears and insecurities.

As a couple, counseling will help you be able to communicate more effectively and allow you to understand where each other is coming from better. If counseling isn’t possible then at least try to find some books that will help you understand yourself and your wife better. Here’s a couple that I recommend; The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, Why We Do What We Do: Understanding Self-Motivation, Being Naked: A Nine Week Journey Towards Self-Awareness. There are many others out there, but overall, I think that it’s great that you want to do better and make your marriage stronger. That’s the first step and the hardest.

Kind regards,

Ted