Ask a Counselor: Intimacy Between Opposite Sex Friends.

First thing I usually do before asking a question to a counselor online is tell them a little about me, but nothing like where I live or anything like that. My names Anya and I go to a Christian high school with a small amount of people (107).

My passions are sports, drama, music, and writing. I don’t have hardly any friends, but I get along with the little amount I have. I read the bible every night and I am currently reading Exodus.

Alright, enough of that. I have been struggling with a problem in which I have a hard time with. A guy I was really close to suggested what other people call Cyber sex a long time go (around a year ago). I said no to him, but I told my one friend a couple months after this occurred and she ended up telling our bible teacher. Who asked the sex question to me and my friend, which we naturally said no to.

However, that’s not the problem. Just today, he told me about his girlfriend (I never knew about her and like nobody does). I felt relieved he had somebody to talk to, but now I feel lost, he and I don’t talk very much in school or online and we used to be able to talk about anything. Once he even mentioned that he might have to leave the school and no one except me knew that ever. I know my world doesn’t revolve around him, but I do feel that the lack of conversation has separated us deeply. I would like to make our friendship strong again, but I don’t know how. The reason being because I have never had a close friend before, but I’m desperate. Can you help?

p.s I think I am regaining my friendship with him a little bit, since he told me something I have never heard before. Even though we sometimes hang out in the same group, I have never heard anything about his girlfriend before, but I still would like help so I can continue in the future regaining our friendship.

-Anya

Dear Anya,

Thanks for your question and I remember how tough high school can be. I think it’s even more difficult when you attend such a small school because the pool of potential friends becomes quite small and everyone seems to know everyone’s business.

There are a couple  of things I believe  will help you deal with the situation you are finding yourself in. First, view friendship as something you can give. This means that you can be a great friend to people with out expecting anything in return. This is tough, but it will actually draw people to you. Many times we do things out of friendship and then expect people to return the favor by doing something out of friendship for us. The problem comes when these people don’t meet our expectations, which causes us to feel offended.

If you can learn to change this mentality and just be the best friend you can be to people and don’t expect anything in return, then you will have truly have  mastered the art of friendship. This is also the model Christ gave us to follow. He loved and gave without strings.

Secondly, I think that intimate friendships between the opposite sex can be confusing. I’m not necessarily talking about sex here, but sharing deep personal things. The problem lies with the fundamental differences between men and women. Men tend to go deeper as a means to eventual sexual gratification and this was proven because he eventually asked you to have cyber sex with him. Women get gratification from the intimate conversation alone and then this can turn into strong feelings and attraction to the male.

So since you turned down his proposal, he started to put his energies elsewhere and this is the distance you have felt. This stinks, I know, but unfortunately it seems to be how things work most of the time even in Christian circles. So my advice would be to be his friend, but be careful concerning the level of intimacy you engage in with him unless you want to be with him in a romantic type of relationship and he feels the same way. This is what is meant by the phrase “guard your heart”.

In closing, I encourage you again to build friendships by being the best friend you can be to people and show them love without expectations.  If you have any other questions or  if there is something  you need clarification on, leave a comment below.

All the best!

Ted