Was It Right to Leave my Abusive Husband?

Hello. I was reading an article on your website regarding a woman who had been verbally abused and you recommended that if her husband did not agree to counseling and working on his anger issues, that she should leave.

Well I had a similar incident. I have been the victim of verbal and emotional abuse for at least the past 4 years. I tried and tried and tried to keep peace but it was like I was a robot with no feelings. I could not talk to him without him turning things around and name calling and beating me down verbally. He would tell me things like I was a big baby and needed to grow up when I would cry from the hurts he would cause.I tried to get him to talk with me but he would not. He would tell me he loved me but not only did I not feel the love he did not show the love.

I have been dealing with the abusive words from his anger issues long enough. I have already been put on ulcer meds about 2 yrs ago due to the stress from all of this. I also have suffered anxiety attacks, which I never had in all my life before him. I left on Aug 17, 2010. I am staying at a Christian retreat. I have been getting counseling etc… He on the other hand refuses to go to counseling and has made no effort to try to see me or reconcile the marriage. I thought that possibly he would agree to go to counsel and get help for the anger but he will not.

Today is November 21, 2010 and we are still separated. I found out last week that he has been intimate with another woman and has even had her in our home and in our bed. I have to say that was like a double kick in the stomach. I saw pictures to where they were kissing right in our home! My question is, I have been reading scriptures that say that a wife is not to leave her husband. It says that separation is not a good thing etc…. I believe in the case of this kind of mental abuse that God would not want you there. He told me that since I was gone he had the right to be intimate with another woman. I told him that would be the thing to do. Just forget about trying to work on himself, us, his wife and our marriage, just get another woman! So now he has committed adultery and blames me for that too! He had this woman 2 months after I left!!!!

Now, I feel he has broken the marriage covenant by being intimate with another woman. I feel like he has now made it to where I am released from the whole thing since he committed adultery and did not make any efforts to help make this marriage work. What do you think? I get confused with what the bible has to say about all this. I don’t think God would have wanted me to stay and HE has made such provisions for me. God knows all and sees all and HE knew what was going on with Tom because I sure dont. If you can, please give me of your input on this situation.

God bless you!
~Moni~

Dear Moni,

Thanks for sharing your situation with me. I’m so glad you found the courage to leave this guy and I think his recent behavior only reiterates the fact that he doesn’t truly love you.

I think now you can get on with your life and start living again, free from anxiety and torment over this guy. It really bugs me how the Bible, a book that is supposed to bring freedom, hope, and life to people is twisted by the religious to do just the opposite. Some churches use scripture to keep people living in miserable situations, especially women it seems.

Christ died so that we can have LIFE! and he paid the price for our failures, even failed marriages, no matter what the reason for the failure. Your husband was supposed to love you as Christ loves the church and he came nowhere close. You are free to persue life and pursue it to the fullest.

You seem like a lovely lady with a lot of love to give and I pray that God brings great people across your path that will minister to you with love and that ultimately you will meet a guy that truly loves you the way you deserve. Your story has the potential to help many of the other women in similar situations find the courage to walk away from destructive marriages.

I wish you all the best and I know you’ve done the right thing.

Kindest regards,

Ted